Mike’s Halloween History

Dammit, I have nothing new to say about Halloween (click here for 2008 and 2009 Mike’s thoughts on this god-sent amazing holiday… I think that line just gave away 2008 and 2009 Mike’s thoughts on it. Oh, well.) so I will give you a brief history of my past Halloween costumes:

- 1994 (the first grade): For some odd reason, I have been opposed to buying generic Halloween costumes my entire life . For instance, in the first grade, when everyone bought the same black ninja costumes, my mother made me an orange Crayola crayon costume (complete with pointy hat for the top of the crayon). Call it what you will. I call it original. And awesome. This started a long history of home-made costumes.

- 1997 (the fourth grade): I was my Martin Brodeur, goaltender of the New Jersey Devils, and my favorite athlete at the time (my costume did not include the part about him cheating on his wife with her sister). I wore my own goalie equipment (that excitingly will come out of retirement this Thanksgiving for the first time in 4.5 years), complete with my goalie mask (to hide my disapproval of the thirty other black ninjas in the class).

- 2001 (freshman year of high school): After realizing that middle school Mike was totally uncool for not trick or treating or dressing up (I think it had something to do with girls my age hadn’t found out about slutty costumes yet, or matured enough to fill slutty costumes properly), I sewed my own costume with a friend. We were Towelie from South Park. Granted, no one really appreciated it (“What are you a smurf?” “A towel that does what?” “Get off my lawn”) but I loved the costume. I still have it hanging in the basement of my house, where for some reason, it is still not appreciated (“Why does this towel have a face on it?”).

- 2004 (senior year of high school): This was a crowning moment for my friends and I, as we were Oompa Loompas, decked out in orange paint, green wigs, white overalls, and a certain creepiness that repelled all women. It was pretty classic nonetheless. We carried around a boombox playing the original Oompa Loompa songs on repeat (not to be confused with the songs in the Johnny Depp version that came out one year later). This kind of signaled a full circle type thing for my high school friends and I: our fifth grade play was Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory so this was an ode to that. Plus, who would turn down sweating off orange face paint onto people you don’t like?

- 2007 (junior year of college): This year was when I truly began to realize how awesome Halloween could be. For the first two years of college, I mainly stayed out of the spotlight with my Halloween costumes (mainly because I just wanted to be an anonymous spectator) but this year, I dressed up as one of my closest friends, mainly because he had some distinct character traits and lines that people would recognize and appreciate, but most importantly, I wanted to prove that I could be a better him than he was himself (that’s a tongue twister). I will not write what my actual goal was for the evening (inquire within) but I’m sure you could figure it out. However, for days after Halloween, I found myself finding Gold Bond in places no one should have it.

- 2008 (senior year of college): This year, I dressed up as Cartman (what can I say I love South Park). Here, I also made my own costume, as I saw a Cartman costume in the costume store but it was $80. Screw that. I think I want to bring up this Halloween mainly because of the absurdity of that Halloween night. At the local college bar we frequented a lot (including two weekends ago, which just ended with me waking up wondering why me and every one of my friends signed our bodies with permanent markers), AXE (yes, the body spray) hosted a Halloween event for the release of their newest spray, “Chocolate.” From context clues, I’m sure you guessed there would be a lot of chocolate products, and this just did not go well with the idea of having a couple hundred drunk college kids who were hungry. I woke up the next morning with my costume still on (including the pillow I put in my stomach to make myself Cartman sized… this probably was the greatest idea to sleep with though) and my shirt covered with chocolate (damn you fondu) that got all over my bed. I searched my pockets and found about 15 full-sized candy bars, pretty melted and gross. I have a lot of memories (and some fleeting ones) of this evening where I learned a valuable lesson: don’t be drunk and play around hot fondu.

As for 2009, I still have no idea what I’m going to be. For the past couple years I would watch one of my friends find and pay for a costume (i.e. the tooth fairy in 2007… still one of the bigger wastes of $50+) and suddenly I come up with a better idea. Unfortunately, he is in Washington, D.C. so I think I will take the next couple classes of Contracts (I can’t pay attention in that class anyway) to come up a with a (not-so) great plan. Results to follow soon.

My Green Apple Vodka Story

So a couple of weeks ago, a close friend came for the weekend. Needless to say, we devolved into our college selves–drinking heavily, eating a lot of pizza and mainly just having a great time without a care in the world (i.e. worrying that: 1. I had a ton of law school work to do the next day. 2. Yom Kippur was the following evening as well and being hung over for a fast would be the challenge of a lifetime… challenge accepted). However, my friend, who most of the time displays pretty good judgment (minus a couple lady choices), displayed the worst judgment in how he spent close to $30 at the liquor store: he brought green apple vodka. With just one sip of a mixed drink I immediately had a flashback to three years ago and started uncontrollably throwing up. Yes, sober Mike started throwing up a lot (of course he rallied, but that’s a way different story). After this (quite hilarious) scene, we started talking about how nothing good comes out of green apple vodka (I’m sure it had an influence on the last couple Sylvester Stallone movies). Everyone has a story about how only bad things come out of green apple vodka, so here’s mine (if you have your own, which I’m sure you do, please share).

What? You didn’t think all my posts would have some kind of overarching big picture view of society or myself, did you?

It was the fall of 2006 and young Mike was in a pretty shitty place. He was coming off of a bad break up and didn’t have confidence around the ladies (yes, can you imagine him, the one who says virtually whatever is on his mind today, being quiet around people? It’s true. Boy, have things changed). He thought he had finally found a girl he liked but didn’t have the confidence to say much to her.

Okay, I have to stop talking in third person. It’s really hard to write like that.

Anyway, there was this girl who I had become kind of interested in (behind her back we called her “Pinkeye” because the first time I met her she had pinkeye). Soon after meeting her was, what I now see as the bane of my existence (besides law school of course… which reminds me: I have a final in two days. Should I really be writing a blog?), Simchat Torah came along. Simchat Torah is the Jewish holiday where Jews get really drunk and dance with the Torahs because they have finished the entire thing (why celebrate when you have to do it again? Oh wait, us Jews will do anything to be able to get drunk and have a reason for it). Well, at this point in my life I was just getting back into the Jewish scene (you kind of fall out of it when you date a non-Jew and resent 16 years of Jewish education), so my comfort level in these types of situations were pretty low (as opposed to now where I love dancing and all things Jew). I started out sober (mistake #1) where I watched uncomfortably as 200 Jews danced and sang songs (not Top 40, which was quite a disappointment. I was really looking forward to singing the Thong Song with a torah in hand). As I sat there more and more uncomfortably, an urge to get really drunk arose in me (when your a 19 year old male, the only way to handle uncomfortable situations is to get drunk. It’s actually still the case). So, I turned to one of my friends and said, “Let’s go back to the apartment and get really drunk. I can’t handle this.” Luckily he agreed and we went back to my friend’s apartment. We searched through his freezer to find green apple Smirnoff, the good lord’s worst creation ever (excluding Nazis and terrorism, but a close third). I filled up 2 whole CUPS of liquor and just chugged it straight (my now very religious friend can vouch for me; mistake #2). We returned and I was very ready to dance and sing. And that’s about where my memory ends.

I woke up the next morning thinking, “How the hell did I get home?” and, “Holy crap I’m still drunk and I have a test tomorrow!” Long story short, I forced myself to throw up (it was my first of many hangovers) and fought through the suffering to study (I got an A on that Economics 200 test). Long story short, I was filled in on my memory loss from the night before. Minutes after I tried physically assaulting all of my friends (seriously I kept on punching one of them, he wrote me an angry Facebook message), Pinkeye walked in, and boy, did I notice her. I kept on talking about her, referring to her as Pinkeye and her name right after, really loudly in front of her. Essentially, it ruined my chances of ever hooking up with her (I heard she’s married now) and made me look like a total ass. I had a friend walk me all the way across campus to make sure I got home safely.

After that night, I made three big life changes: First, I decided to not get nervous around girls anymore. I’ve been cool around them before so I would try that again, instead of acting like a fool. It was pretty much a wake up call that I needed to move on from the past and just focus on becoming a more happy person, a better friend and have a better life (all of which I think I have accomplished). Two, I put myself on a Pete Rose-like Simchat Torah ban (still going on to this day). Third, I decided that I will never, never drink green apple vodka again.

Getting back to a couple of weekends ago, I had kept my promise to myself never to drink it again up until that point. However, I took one sip and learned my lesson… again. I wish I could blame it on my friend (come on, HE was the bonehead who bought it) but I am just an idiot. I guess I’ll stick to Jack Daniels from here on out.

Mike’s Election Hijinks

So I never talk about losses in competitions. Never. Until today. This is because I have lost yet another public election. As an ode to my Susan Lucci type losing streak, I recall my most recent losses over the past ten years. Don’t ask me why I remember these. It probably has something to do with the fact that I am insanely competitive and every loss eats at me. But, for your entertainment, I present to you the public losing streak of Mike.

8th Grade Class President Primaries
I don’t remember who I was running against in these primaries. I do remember looking around at the “debates” we had and thinking that I am much smarter than these people, and more qualified to win. However, I came in as kind of a dark horse candidate (a couple friends in class pushed me to do it because they thought I would be the best for the job), and knew that I had no chance to win in this popularity contest. But, because of this major defeat (well, I know I got at least one vote… because I voted for myself), I got the bug. I loved running in elections. It was a rush. Little did I know that my past ten years of losing in sports would be nothing compared to my next ten years of losing elections.

9th Grade Class Representative
This time, I ran again on a much smaller scale: class representative. I was in an honors class (maybe honors computer programming?) and therefore had about every over-achiever in the entire grade in one class. So, in this diluted representative race, there were about eight other kids running for that highly valued Student Government position (first one to three votes wins?). Now thinking back on it, I really didn’t come out of my shell as the awesomest dude around (I say that in the least amount of seriousness possible) for a couple of years, so I was probably very shy when having to give a speech in front of the class (trust me, if math superstar fourteen year old Mike would have guessed that he would have been a 22 year old Government and Politics graduate he would have laughed… and then probably cried because he was very round). This shyness did not bode well for an election and I got spanked again. But I loved running.

Student Government Association Secretary (10th Grade)
God knows why I would run against a rising junior, who as far as I can remember, was an attractive girl (I can’t even remember her name… this seems to be a consistent theme here, which begs the question if this is a defense mechanism for my miserable high school years). I had “won” my class representative this year (and by “won” I mean beating up on a kid who was probably half-mentally challenged, so I don’t count that as a win). I was a little more outgoing this time, giving out stickers to the entire school and hanging up clever posters (this started a precedent for the upcoming years). I said everything right to the people in my classes, but knew the only chance I had for victory was to get the vote of the entire sophomore class, assume she gets the entire vote of the junior class and we battle over the freshman class. Unfortunately, I lost this battle, but looking back, I started to form the strategies that I studied in college in my election class (focus on the places you will definitely win a little bit, focus on the places you will definitely lose very little and focus the most on the “battleground states”). Wow, I’m actually quite impressed. I’m sure my elections professor would be too. Also, I did not give a very good speech to the entire school. This started my drive to become a better public speaker and to finally win an election.

United Synagogue Youth Chapter President (11th Grade)
As a high schooler, I was very dedicated to USY, the Jewish Youth Group for high school that dominates this entire country (some would call it a cult). Because of my passion for this incredibly stupid organization (picture everyone at conventions claiming they were “BFFLAEAEAEAE” and then only speaking to each other at these conventions), I decided I wanted to run for president of my chapter. Besides, I was very disappointed in the performance of my chapter and had some amazing ideas to fix it. At this point in my life, I had finally achieved my goal of becoming a good public speaker–I was witty, calm, collected and even went off the cuff and told jokes. The one problem here is that the director of my chapter of USY hated me. Granted, I was an immature douche who said whatever came to his mind (some things never change), but he never gave me a fair shake. In fact, he barred some people from voting in the election because he knew they were going to vote for me. Although I lost this election (this starts a long string of questionable election processes), I got the last laugh: the director of my chapter was fired because of this situation.

Jewish Student Union Executive Vice President (Junior in College)
After my high school years and defeats, I kind of backed off from elections for awhile. I was very happy with life, a very successful government major, and satisfied with my standing with the organization (as a deadbeat I.T. guy). Unfortunately, one of my close friends decided he was going to run for president and came to me months before and asked me to be his Executive Vice President. I originally resisted, but he had some great ideas and I liked his vision. I accepted and for months we worked together, concocting our plan to win the election and planning events for the future (we started a year plan). I thought we were unstoppable. That was until the time to officially put our names on the ballots came along. The JSU executive board had no problem with me applying because I was on cabinet already, but my friend who wanted to run for president was not associated with the organization at all (he applied twice to cabinet and was rejected twice). The president said he couldn’t run. Of course he scoured over the constitution and found nothing so after a lot of arguing, he and I were on the ballot together. The election was nasty. My friend and I received a lot of flack from the executive board and we were very concerned that the election was going to be rigged. So we confided in two members of the executive board… who turned out to be the people who ended up allegedly rigging the election. We had heard some rumors but they were actually confirmed for me a couple months later when one of the people who rigged it (and had subsequently graduated) was caught by another good friend of mine talking about how he rigged it (with others there to vouch on the validity of this situation). I never spoke outwardly about this election before this blog, and although I am saddened that another Jew could be responsible for such hate and terrible judgment, I was respectful toward the new executive board and joined as a cabinet member. However, I hope the people that rigged the election (the two people know exactly who they are) fail at life. They deserve it.

Student Bar Association (First Year In Law School)
Looking past the fact that I fully supported Hillary Clinton for president and lost that one, this is my next and newest defeat (it happened a day ago). I wouldn’t mention something like this so soon, but my frustration with my election luck has boiled over. Again, this election reeked of questionable election habits. But first, let me start from the beginning. For some reason, I decided I wanted to become a Senator in the Student Bar Association (the reasons go past the part that I wanted everyone to call me “Senator Rosen”). So I submitted my petition with 25 fellow students’ signatures on it and officially became a candidate. I put fliers up all around the school (some included “Mike Rosen likes rainbow highlighting”, “Mike Rosen > Chuck Norris”, and “Mike Rosen wants mandatory naptime.”) I learned through my studies as a government major that the best campaign signs are the shortest, sweetest and most memorable. I had accomplished all three. On election day, I was nervous, but confident that I had a chance to win. The elections started at 11am, so I walked over at around 11:45am. When I went to vote I noticed something pretty crucial for victory in an election: my name wasn’t on the ballot. I immediately went to the president who told me I didn’t follow the constitution by not putting my section letter on my petition. I told her I read the constitution and it said nothing of the sort (I also thought to myself, “Right in front of you on the table where voting is taking place is my platform. It states my section in big bold letters. Really? Really future lawyer?”). Being the third week law student I am, I consulted the constitution, and was right. The president then added my name manually onto every ballot that was not filled out yet, but the damage was done. This massive error had pretty much assured another loss for Mike Rosen. I could have argued this, but who wants to make enemies in the third week of law school? Not I. Oh well. I guess it’s meant to be.

To conclude, what is there to say except that Mike is the losingest candidate of all-time. Mike is like the Susan Lucci of elections. The Patrick Ewing of elections. The 40 year old virgin of elections (by the way, if you continue to say elections in sentences over and over again, is it me or does it start to sound like “erections”?). At this point even my own mother said that maybe I should not run for these kind of things anymore. But let me ask you this: did Susan Lucci quit “All My Children” when she lost the Daytime Emmy for Outstanding Lead Actress in a Drama Series for the seventeenth straight year? Hold on, let me Wikipedia this… No! She did not! And when she finally won it was the sweetest moment of her life. So, I’m going to keep pushing until I finally do win one of these stupid, stressful, taking years off my life elections.

My First Week of Law School, According to Twitter

Well, the first week of law school has come and passed and I think the best way to explain my experience so far is through my Twitter posts from the past week (who would have thought that Twitter would actually be useful for something?). Follow me on Twitter here if you want.

“first day of law school in the books. feeling good.” (10:20pm Aug 31) The first day wasn’t that bad. I only had one class so I really wasn’t sweating anything yet. However, as compared to undergrad, I was constantly rereading notes from the day and reviewing our summer homework (yeah, I know, that sucks). I was really happy the first day was upon us, however. I was actually looking forward to it because of our three day orientation (it sounds as unnecessary as it was). During orientation, I was completely overloaded with information and having generic conversation with hundreds of people, most of which I will never speak to again (it’s nothing personal, that’s just the way it is). I have a better alternative to orientation: just put everyone in a room with loads of alcohol for one entire day. I have always felt that when people get drunk together they become friends (I don’t know if it is drunk sincerity or what, but it works). Or maybe just wear a t-shirt with all the answers to the generic questions you get (name, where you’re from, college, major in college, what type of law you’re interested, where you purchased this outrageous shirt).

“my elements professor really insists on not getting our news from Jon Stewart. The thing is, I don’t know any other news providers.” (9:13pm Sep 1) The first class of my law school career was Elements of Law. I had heard bad things about this teacher (nobody gets A’s, she is scary). However, she kind of eased my nerves about law school because she was completely hilarious (she’s like the German version of Ellen DeGeneres, but with so many degrees and qualifications she loses half of her funniness). Sidenote: Two days later she scared the crap out of me by telling me that if you get B minuses you will be jobless. I then went home and reviewed my notes so hard I almost crapped myself.

“just went out to cosi… i feel like i’m in dc all over again.” (10:45pm Sep 1) The thing about law school is that you can’t decide, “I’m going to go out tonight and worry about this work in the future.” You always have to be on your game and updated on work constantly (no more waiting until finals to learn the entire semester. So, when you have a chance to go out, you go out. This was the case here. Cosi is a bar that I went to happy hour at in Washington, D.C. So, when my neighbor asked me to go out for a little to Cosi, I excitedly accepted (although I didn’t drink, it was still great to socialize with other people and not focus law). For me, I just want to balance the social part of my life with the school work because without one, the other wouldn’t survive. I need the socializing to keep me sane from all the studying and reading I will be doing, but I need the studying to keep me focused on why I’m in New York and it keeps the socializing to a minimum (trust me, I’m up early on a Sunday not because I took 10 shots and went out until 4am).

“holy crap, law school tires you out.” (5:17pm Sep 2) It does. And then you have to come home and do homework. Completely mentally exhausting.

“new talent in my vast arrat of talents: rainbow highlighting.” (7:44pm Sep 2) Up until about this day, my note taking consisted of reading a paragraph and paraphrasing it into a notebook. It was all about getting the general idea of the passage. Not the case in law school. I have had to read case after case, not getting a general idea from it, but getting the facts, issues, procedural history, reasoning, etc., etc. (all in different highlighter colors). I now write in the margins of text books (I used to like clean, pristine books… that went out the window quickly in under a week of law school). Pretty much it’s a whole new means of learning. I have to say, it’s really helped to highlight the important facts and opinions in different colors. It makes everything look so pretty.

“emotionally preparing myself for the busiest day of the week. topping it off with the bar tonite?” (10:39am Sep 3) Thursdays suck for me. I have my three biggest classes (Civil Procedure, Elements, and Torts) in a row from 11am until 2:24 pm. In undergrad, I used to block schedule my classes (and not pay attention half the time). Now, block scheduling is devastating-its hell. After each class, I need about 20 to 30 minutes to decompress and to review what I just learned. When you get hit with classes in a row, it doesn’t give you enough time to relax and digest what you learned. However, this devastating schedule only drives you to drinking.

“had lunch at 10am because i have class from 11 to 2:30 straight. wierd to have a turkey sammich this early.” (11:46am Sep 3) No time for lunch with three classes in a row. In fact, some teachers even start early, so you don’t even have a chance to sit down and open your notebook.  And yes, I refer to “sandwiches” as “sammiches.”

“cases are taking forever for me to read. i smell a bar outing in about 3.5 hours.” (5:48pm Sep 3) After a long day of brain (and ball) busting classes, the last thing you want to do is read more cases. But this is law school so cases are aplenty (surprise!). After the brutality that was my day, I had to read an 18 page case. Now, I know what you’re thinking, “18 pages? That’s nothing. Easily done in an hour(ish).” Wrong, you jerk. It takes forever. You have to carefully read each word to get the full meaning out of it (this isn’t a Dan Brown novel). And this involves hours and hours of reading.

“thirsty thursdays are just not what it used to be. off to the “bar review” on the upper west side. yeah, they call it that.” (9:15pm Sep 3) First of all, let me point out that I never referred to Thursday night drinking in college as “Thirsty Thursdays.” However, for literary purposes I did in this Tweet. Here in law school, they have something called “Bar Review”-a clever play on words that gives the overworked law student a reason to go out and have a couple drinks with his or her fellow law students. This Bar Review was held at Hudson Terrace, an awesome rooftop bar overlooking the Hudson River and the Intrepid. It was awesome (seriously look at the pictures of this place). Of course, the undergrad came out in me and my fellow colleagues (and by colleagues I mean a couple of friends) and we drank too much. So much for growing up.

“first week of law school done after a hung over day” (3:54pm Sep 4) Mike learned his lesson: don’t drink too much. In fact, just don’t drink at all. There is nothing fun about nursing a hangover (but it made me feel better that I was nursing one with many other people). I would write more about why you shouldn’t drink, but I have to get back to reading cases.

Goodbye Summer, Hello Law School

Well, the inevitable has come. Summer 2009 is over. College life is over. Law school life begins. Pretty crazy. Lots of short sentences in a row. Anyway, I think it has finally clicked in my head that this law school thing is finally happening. For the past year it has seemed like a long distance away, but now I’m ready. I don’t know what law school is going to bring, but I’m psychologically prepared for whatever is thrown at me. However, I do have some concerns going into this. First, after a wedding that I went to a couple weeks back (which was awesome, I might add), I asked a girl who just finished her first year what law school was like. She said, “Can we talk about something else that actually makes me happy?” This, of course, concerned me, and still does. Why is it that every law student is miserable during their first year. I get it, it’s like learning a new language (or so says everyone I talk to), but why would you be miserable doing something that you signed up for? Law school is optional. Not everyone has to do it. I’m not saying that I won’t be miserable, but seriously, why would they try to make law school terrible? For me, I put it in perspective: the end to the means is what is important, but I should enjoy the ride there. I will try. Come on, I’m going to be in New York City. There’s got to be something exciting there (or so I hear). One thing that positive, bright and happy young lady told me about law school is to be prepared for zero social life. If this is true, I really hope my friends are around for my winter and summer breaks. I think I’ve said this in a past blog, but if I don’t talk to you for a couple of weeks, I swear I’m not doing this purposely (unless I don’t like you, but I’m sure there will be other hints). It’s also quite a strange feeling that for the first time in my life, my peers are not all going to be in school. I’m a little jealous of my friends who are working and get nights and weekends off because I experienced it in my last semester of college. It’s just a very strange feeling that I may be restricted by my school work but a lot of my friends are not. One positive in this is that I will have an excuse to get invited to meals and not cook anything. Other than that, while my friends sleep until the afternoon on the weekend while I wake up early to get school work done, they can suck it.

What else is there to say… Oh, happy one year anniversary to this weblog. I didn’t think it would last this long, nor did I think people would continue to read it. Not to reminisce about the past year too much, but I think writing a blog for my senior year of college was a great idea. It really captured a lot of great moments in my life (wait, doesn’t Facebook photos do this?)–a time where I had too much freedom and many great times. I think it will be interesting to see where this blog goes over the next year as I enter a different chapter in my life where I will not have Tuesdays, Thursdays, Fridays, Saturdays, and Sundays (and occasionally Monday and Wednesday) to sit at a bar or sit around with friends and get incredibly intoxicated (seriously, I’d take Saturdays over the next year). Also, it will be interesting to see how my professional life and social life advances or digresses. When it comes to professional life, I hope to get a cool internship that will be meaningful for my future goals. When it comes to my social life, I hope to maintain the close friendships I have and make new bonds in law school. Actually, I plan on dropping all my friends for New York young intellectuals who drive hybrid cars, use Macs, and like the smell of their own farts (I kid, I kid).

So what else can I say except that I don’t know what the future holds but I’m excited. Accordingly, when I moved into my New York City apartment, I thought I would feel nervous about the future. But I didn’t. I still don’t. I think it’s a little weird, but I believe that your past prepares you for the future unknown. I think after all my experiences (many of which in different countries), I have no problems meeting people and making friends. However, I still haven’t decided what kind of law school student I’m going to be. This ranges from the Tucker Max law student to the no fun law student. I think I’m somewhere in between, but we will see what the next year holds. Until then, continue to read my blog (or don’t it’s not that big of a deal… at least do it when you’re bored at work) and keep it real.

My 22nd Year

Well, my 21st year of life is just about over (I turn 22 on Sunday for those who would like to give me gifts), and quite frankly, it’s pretty disappointing.  21 is a big year.  You can legally start to drink, you can gamble, and partake in other cool morally questionable things (that I can’t think of).  22 isn’t such a big year.  Most people graduate from college and have to start their real life (let’s be real, everyone wishes they could go to their high school guidance counselor and laugh in his or her face when he or she tells us that college is for growing up, starting your real life, and finding yourself.  I think I might have digressed in the maturity field during college).  In fact, 22 is such a non-monumental birthday, you can’t even find cool birthday cards or shot glasses at your local Spencer’s.  So, to give myself some incentive to be excited about leaving my 21st year, I have created a checklist of things I want to accomplish in my 22nd year:

1.  Win more than $50 on a scratch off ticket.  My entire home life is defined by, at some point in the day/night, going to 7-Eleven and buying a $2 scratch off ticket.  In fact, every time my friends and I go, before we scratch, we talk about what we would do if we won the $30,000 grand prize (some ideas include: going to Vegas on the spot, buying a slave).  Every time, however, we leave disappointed.  The most I won in 5 years of playing the scratch off lottery is $40.  My goal for the next year is to beat that by at least $10.01.

2. Get good grades in law school. In high school, I convinced myself that getting the best grades would determine my future. I was wrong. In college, I did the same. And was wrong again. However, at this point in my life, there will never again be a standardized test that will determine where I go next (let’s be real: standardized tests are all that matter for admission into any school at any level). So my grades actually do matter this time… or so I’m convincing myself again for the ninth straight year.

3. Start dating a girl that I didn’t meet on JDate. Whenever I come home, my parents tell me that another person in their mid-20s is getting married. I then ask, “How did they meet?” 99% of the time my parents’ response is that they either met on JDate or in a bar at Hoboken. Don’t get me wrong, neither option is wrong or problematic. However, at the age of 22, I don’t think it is socially acceptable to be on JDate yet (unless you’re really lonely, but I’m still going to be in school meeting people). In addition, I’ve never been to Hoboken, New Jersey. In fact, the word sounds dirty to me (go ahead, say it out loud. It sounds like the Bat Cave of homeless people). I want to do it the old fashion way: actually meet someone normally. I know what you’re thinking: how did people start to date before the internet?!? I hope to discover this in the next year.

4. Not take myself too seriously. I think law students get a bad wrap–they are ultra competitive, always serious, etc., etc. However, I really don’t want to be that stereotype. I take pride in the fact that I like to have a good time all the time, and be an outrageous character (actually, somebody from home told me I’d be great on the Real World for this reason. In response to this, I faked getting incredibly angry and then joined a Real World/Road Rules Challenge).

5. Travel to Europe. Assuming the movie Eurotrip is a true story, Europe sounds completely awesome to me. I went to Italy already and that was completely awesome. The good times I had there were, well, good times. I’ve never been in a scenario where there was a huge language barrier and I was wondering in a city with a couple friends by ourselves. It’s quite an interesting situation. I would like to do it again. Maybe go to somewhere for two weeks, sightsee for a week and then take in the culture and chillax for a second week. Something like that.

6. Keep in close contact with my good college friends. Because I’ve had a lot of free time in the past seven(ish) weeks since college graduation, I’ve kind of played a Survivor-like game in my head (yes, Jeff Probst was the host of the game in my head… It made it more lifelike) of who of the people I’ve met in college (can you say 400 Facebook friends from my school? What up?) that I will actually stay friends with (that was an obscenely run-on sentence). Bottom line is, there are only about ten(ish) people that I will probably stay in weekly contact with (of course two of them got this far by continuing to win Immunity Challenges. Damn you, Probst!). I’m okay with that. I just apologize in advance to these ten(ish) people if I disappear for a little during the next year (see goal number 2).

7. Continuing by gym-going habits. You don’t think this figure comes naturally, do you? I work hard for this body. All kidding aside (the right side), I really hope I have time to go the gym now that I will be a law student. In undergrad, for some reason, the weekdays always worked out where you had four hours (at least. This past semester it was more like seven) to chill and not do anything but watch television or go to the gym. So, I would go to the gym for 1.5 to 2 hours five to six days a week. In law school it doesn’t work like this, so hopefully I have some time (if not, I heard coke diets, not Diet Coke, work).

8. Continuing this blog and keeping my creative side alive. I love writing. Some people enjoy my writing (six). I want to keep doing it. Especially my bigger projects (not my blog). I feel like that will keep me sane. Or distract me from failing to reach my previous seven goals.

Being Friends With Girls

So let me just start with this: I have nothing interesting in my life to talk about. Seriously, nothing monumental, no perspective changing experience. I’m just kind of chilling, which is not a problem (except for my loyal blog readers… and I write “loyal” and “readers” lightly). However, I want to at least get one blog entry this month so I’ll write about something that I have been thinking about but never put to paper: friendships with girls.

Let me start this thought by alienating all girl readers: Quite frankly, I do not enjoy being friends with girls compared to being friends with dudes. Bottom line is, us guys are way more loyal to each other, trustworthy, and don’t hold crazy beefs. For instance, every group of girls I see, they say they are best friends (girls abuse that term anyway), and although in a girl’s sense they may be, they clearly are not by male definition (also we don’t use “best friend”, “bff”, or any other shortened term. We are just “boys”). Secretly, girls harbor jealousy and nitpick little things they don’t like about each other. This is just the first of many reasons I would rather be friends with guys. We kind of just chill and have a good time. I know if there is an issue between any of my friends, we call each other out or ignore it and move on with our lives. It doesn’t affect our friendships. In fact, some of the reasons I have seen guy friends never talk to each other again include: friend tries to hook up with sister, friend tries to hook up with girl friend, friend kills family members. Accordingly, if these things happen, most of the time (except for the last example) a simple apology works just fine (“Dude, weak move by me. Seriously weak.”).

(Sidenote: Nothing happened to me in the past couple weeks that made me think this way, nor am I bitter towards a girl or her friends in anyway. This is just fact. Also, there are exceptions, but very rarely).

Now, if a guy decides to become friends with a girl (and by “friend,” I actually mean friends. Nothing else), there are several labels that a male could be categorized as:

- Out of Leaguer: The girl a male has befriended is way too hot for this guy. Therefore, either the girl sees this (I could swear girls have a sixth sense about this) and immediately puts him into the friend zone, or the guy accepts (begrudgingly) the friendship because attention from a hot girl is better than no attention at all. This category sucks. Hot girls do this constantly and consciously and if they tell you any differently they are lying.

- Blown opportunity friend: The girl is clearly in the guy’s league and the guy actually had a chance with the girl. However, the small window of opportunity closed and therefore they are stuck in the friend zone forever. This window actually closes when a guy gets to know a girl too well. Thus, they start to share personal life stories and the girl gets way too comfortable and likes this friendship she has formed. The guy is blind to this (he lies to himself) until this realization where he either chooses to stay friends or just bails.

- Fugly friend: In this situation, the girl is way below the dude’s level and the guy decides to friend this girl because she is really cool or has hot friends. This happens constantly. In fact, the ugly friend could potentially be a great wing(wo)man. Also, it is important to note that all hot girls have one ugly friend. Girls, if you don’t think this is true, you are the ugly friend in your group.

- Your bro’s girlfriend: This is one of the few completely acceptable friendships with girls. But, one must keep their distance when around these girls because the girl could be gone any day (and clearly, you stay loyal to your friend over his girl). It is completely okay for a guy to become friends with this kind of girl. It helps to further the friendship between you and the dude and also with the girl (in addition, the girl could have hot friends). (Note: It could become sticky if you become friends with the girlfriend and guy at the same time and then they break up. This sucks. My only advice to you is to find someone else to give you advice on this).

- Just Not There Girl: These are the kinds of girls that you really want there to be some kind of attraction but there is just something missing. It could either be looks or personality or whatever, but it just isn’t there. So, the male becomes friends with her. This is okay, but once again, please refer to the first paragraph of this entry.

- Miscellaneous Girl: For whatever reason, you are friends with her (it better be a damn good excuse–i.e. family friend who you see as a sister, girl has a v.d., distant cousin, etc.). Once again, refer to the first paragraph.

Now, I know what you are thinking: this entry sucks. But I’m sure a little bit of you wants to know what the author’s situation is with girls when it comes to being friends with them. I enjoy the friendship of girls. I have no problem with them. In fact, every time I chill with a friend who is a girl I enjoy myself. With that being said, my closest friends are, for the most part, guys because of the reasoning above. My close guy friends are very trustworthy and like fart jokes, and poop jokes, and things I like (porn, chicken, beer). On the other hand, if you find a trustworthy girl who you can’t date (one of your bro’s siblings or girlfriends, or lesbian), I say you hold them close to you as friends. I have found a half handful (three?) of these kinds of girls with whom I cherish their friendship and that’s it. However, the rest of the girls I’m friends with fit into one of the many categories above, and this drives me crazy. Especially blown opportunity friend. Those really blow and brings on a terrible feeling of failure (I could name four off the top of my head without thinking. And any male not named Brad Pitt can as well, guaranteed). In fact, these are the kinds of girls that make me lose sleep… or go after the fugly friend.

Why Mike Shouldn’t Get A Summer Job

Looking past the obvious and logical reasoning why I should get a summer job–spending money for the school year, last chance to have an interesting out of the box job, not racking up debt with my parents–I have decided that having a job this summer is just not necessary.

Here is my reasoning: less than three months from now, I am going to be voluntary subjecting myself to hell (or so I hear). The first year of law school is the worst so why shouldn’t I get time off? I should get to sit around and enjoy the nothingness that is the summer before law school. I cannot do an internship that will help me in any way–either I do another government internship, that although is personally gratifying and a lot of fun, will not help me in my quest to become a lawyer in any way, or I try to get a law internship. Although I have tried sparingly in this last option, the bottom line is, first and second year law students are going to get preference for law internships. In addition, there is nothing I can do–I do not have any legal experience or education yet so essentially, I can be a glorified secretary.

I also have another line of reasoning:what if I make myself so bored during the summer, that I actually look forward to the potential slave work that I will be enduring the first year of law school? Seriously. What if the first year of law school became a savior from what has become the most boring summer in the history of summers? All I do is go to the gym and occasionally see the two school friends that live in New Jersey (which I actually look forward to and enjoy) and the three friends I have at home. The gym has basically become work for me. I have zero motivation. Why? Because every summer I go hard at the gym with the mindset that I want to impress this girl or that girl back at school. Well, news flash: I’m not going back to undergrad. I have a blank slate, or tabula rosa if you will (John Locke would be so proud of me… not the LOST character!) There is no one I have in mind who I want to impress. Sad to say, this has destroyed my motivation (that and me banking on the idea that I will find a brilliant, rich, work motivated girl in law school who will probably make me her bitch). Seriously, I am so bored.

Many people say, “Why don’t you take the time to travel?” The short answer to that is that I only want to go to Europe and I want to do it right (with money). Unfortunately, in today’s economy, taking nice trips like this is limited to Madonna when she wants to adopt another child (and maybe Angelina Jolie). Personally, I would like to go on an adventure and just roadtrip in the good ol’ U.S. of A, but once again nobody has money, or jobs, or money. I will take any other suggestions as to what I can do the rest of this summer, but all I know is that as each boring day goes by, law school doesn’t seem that bad.

The Much Expected Graduation Post

Well, here it is. The next obvious post on my weblog: graduation. I took my time with this one and didn’t write it immediately after graduation with the hope of avoiding sappiness and talking about how much I will miss the times had at college. So here it is: a somewhat sappy post on graduation.

First, let me get the emotional stuff out of the way. Graduation was kind of cool. It really brought together all aspects of my life. First, all four of my grandparents, parents and brother were at graduation and the days surrounding it. I don’t know about you, but I think it’s pretty rare and ultra cool to have all four of my grandparents with me for my college graduation. Also, having the rest of my family there to support me was very special.

It was also pretty interesting to have my family meet my friends’ families as well. My family has met most of my friends, but I think when you throw families into the equation it could get interesting. For instance, there could be incredibly awkward conversation. But no, there was no awkward conversation and everyone got along shockingly well (I think it had something to do with the fact that we were all clones of each other: white, Jewish, educated, and for some of us, incredibly attractive).

Next, I have to say my friends are pretty awesome and I can’t repeat it enough (like here and here) that I am pretty lucky. My parents commented how close we all were and how rare that is. I think that’s pretty true. I can’t remember the last thing I did socially without most of my friends. I think we all have a rare bond, which is something that I will try to keep strong and cherish (which is why if you are a close friend, I encourage you to join Twitter so we could follow each other. If you aren’t a close friend, I don’t really care… but thanks for reading my blog!). I am incredibly proud of my friends’ accomplishments and even more proud of the times we spent together and the times we will spend together.

Now onto the real meat of this entry. First, my finals week was incredible. I didn’t have any finals, and for the most part I screwed around and took in everything (while drinking, for the most part). I got the opportunity to hang out with close friends (all of whom mailed it in and didn’t really care about finals) and reminisce on the good times. We tried to keep as normal of a schedule as possible: Monday night watching How I Met Your Mother, Tuesday night dollar beer night, Wednesday rest, Thursday night going out, Friday night and Saturday doing the Jew stuff, Saturday night go out. There was never a time where I thought to myself that this would be the last time I would be doing the activities that I had become so accustomed to doing. It just seemed like a normal week. In fact, I don’t think it hit me that I would never be able to do the things I did every week again until I packed up my apartment of two years and drove home alone in the pouring rain (very depressing). I guess the higher powers like to add the rain for dramatics.

I also got the opportunity to go to D.C. during finals week. D.C. has always held a place in my heart and I have incredible memories from the time I spent there—whether it was interning on Capitol Hill, where I got to meet great people and have amazing experiences, or going out afterward in the city, where I had even odder experiences. I spent a lot of time in Adams Morgan on Saturday nights, where I had some of the greatest memories of college, including watching a couple of my friends treat us to drunken musical theatre on the Metro ride back. I also love the museums and the entire environment in D.C. I’m going to miss that a lot.

One of the other chapters of my life that closed during finals week was my involvement in Jewish life on campus. I rarely talk about religion in my blogs (I don’t think I ever talked about it up until this point), but getting involved in Jewish life on campus changed my life. I first got involved after I went to Birthright, a program where young Jews go to Israel for free (I encourage you to donate money to the program here. Madoff hasn’t made it easy for them). Up until this point in college as a sophomore I had had an average time in college. It was pretty much standard that I would hang out with kids in my dorm and play video games. A lot. In fact, meeting women and other good people was impossible. In addition, coming out of a bad breakup, I needed a change in life, and Birthright gave me that opportunity. I went with one close friend (probably one of my two or three closest friends right now) and we met amazing people (a handful of which I am still very close with today). It just gave me a new outlook on life. I was finally incredibly happy and comfortable in my surroundings. I knew from that point on, I could not return to that same boring life of playing video games and sticking in the dorm. From there on out, I got involved with Hillel (donate to them here), the Jewish Student Union, and many other organizations where I got to meet great people and gain great memories. If I didn’t go on Birthright, who knows if I would have the friends I have today—friends who are caring and genuine. I might still be stuck in that same situation from the first year and a half of college. Accordingly, Judaism has become one of the hugest parts of my life and I love every minute of it. During finals week, I said good bye (not forever, though) to the Chabad rabbi and his family (with whom I am very close with) and some of the staffers at Hillel that I had relationships with. It was very sad to close this chapter in my life.

While I’m reminiscing there are a couple other huge parts of college that I want to acknowledge. First, after Birthright, I got to go on Alternative Spring Break in New Orleans with a lot of the same people I went on Birthright with. I use the metaphor that ASB was like a victory lap for everything that happened on Birthright (I think it’s actually a simile since I used he word “like”). I had a great time and got to further my relationships and friendships with people that I met on Birthright. In fact, I am still very close with a couple of people from that trip. One story from that trip I like to tell is how we ended up on Bourbon Street the last Saturday night. Our group had been kicked off the campsite (for many ridiculous reasons) and I decided that I still wanted to go to Bourbon Street. So, while everyone was complaining about how ridiculous it was that we got kicked off, I walked across the parking lot to the supermarket Rouse’s, got a phone book, ripped numbers of hotels and cabs out of the phone book, and starting making phone calls. With the help of a couple other people more than twenty of us ended up having the most classic night ever on Bourbon Street. Still one of my favorite stories of college.

Another adventure I had was my trip to Italy. I loved every minute of it and took advantage of the fact that I was in a foreign country with very little responsibilities. I met great people (not Jewish too… shocking!) and a couple of us remained close and shared some crazy experiences in and out of the country of Italy. One story that I love from our trip was the infamous headband night (I won’t go into that part), but the night started with a power hour with wine (huge mistake) and ended up with us at a bar stealing popcorn and causing a ruckus. We also met Will Smith (not on that night). It was great trip and the professors and people I met impacted my last year and a half of college in a great way.

My favorite ten days of the last year was spring break. Read about it here. I already spoke about it, but let me say: in the past year, about ten of us have shared some insane times. I will cherish them. I also enjoyed BBQs, pregames, beer Olympics, road trips, sporting events and other things with these people (including sharing thoughts on our own poops).

So what else, what else? Oh, the actual graduation. Yeah, don’t go to that. It was cool for about ten minutes and then it got hot and boring. First we started out meeting in the parking lot of our basketball arena. It was quite a sight to see 6,000 kids standing together wearing the same thing. We took pictures with friends, etc, etc, and then they shuffled us into the arena like cattle. We walked onto the basketball floor (which made me feel somewhat important) to 15,000 people awaiting us. It was pretty cool that I was sitting with my friends but the whole thing got stale quickly. Therefore, I turned to funny videos with my camera that I will be posting on Facebook soon (maybe… it takes a long time). The next day was the individual major graduation, which was also pretty boring. All in all, I’m happy I went to the actual graduation just to say I went, but there is a reason why you don’t graduate college twice.

Wrapping up, I am devastated that college is over, but when I say that my life is over, I’m only kidding. This is only one chapter in my life, be it a great one, and one that would be at least a fifty-page chapter. I’m looking forward to going to law school, although it is a little scary and much different than the fake life I lead while in undergrad. I will always cherish the memories I had and the friends I made. Hopefully I will continue the story in New York with some of the same people, and some new people with brand new experiences.

My Broken Foot

Yes, the rumors are true, I have a broken foot (did the title of this entry give it away?). And it sucks. A lot. But this is the risk you take when mixing a wrestling themed party, jungle juice, and Mike (I think the line I used last week was, “I can’t wait for the gratuitous violence at this party,” so I had this one coming). To be fair, there were other injuries by friends (the injury report says here: one busted knee, an injured shoulder, and more), but this one takes the cake.

There are some positive to this. And by positives, I mean two positives. First, I see that I have friends who care about me. But more importantly, people do everything for you just short of wiping your ass. I get rides everywhere, people make me food, ask me how I’m doing. For an egomaniac, the attention is intoxicating. All kidding aside, it is nice to have friends who help out though.

However, there are some huger drawbacks to a broken foot that completely outweigh the attention I am receiving:

Anything involving the bathroom is twenty times more difficult. I truly didn’t realize how easy I had it–walking to the bathroom, unzipping my pants, and peeing. Or brushing my teeth (with my pants zipped of course). Or showering. Or the other thing you do in the bathroom that girls don’t (pooping). However, with a broken foot, it is much more difficult. Here’s the situation: I get up from the couch after watching three hours straight of Keeping Up With The Kardashians (when you have a broken foot, your options of activities are very limited). I hop to the bathroom (I didn’t want to use crutches because my arms are bruised from them), and get to the toilet. Normally, I would unzip my zipper and do what I have to do but now, I have to use my dominant (and wee wee holder) left hand to hold onto the counter. Thus my non-dominant hand is left to do all the work. After I finally get my pants unzipped I stand there and am so uncomfortable from having all my weight on one foot that I can’t urinate. I stand there and finally force it out. A thirty second deed just took me four minutes. Don’t get me started on showering (my lower body is not clean right now) or brushing my teeth.

Eating out. Typically, I would stand at the counter, order food, carry it to my table, probably pick up a soda on the way and sit down. Now, I sit down, tell my friends what I want and they get it. I appreciate this, but let’s be real: an individual knows what he or she wants best. For instance, yesterday, my friends and I went out for lunch. Typically, on Mondays, I would get french fries (it’s unlimited so back off) but I sat there for twenty minutes without the savory deliciousness of those spicy curly fries. I know I’m nitpicking here and trust me, I’m not complaining at all, but it was just an observation.

Playing sports/working out. Quite frankly, these two things are out of the question. It pained me to sit and watch my intramural softball team fall in the final four to a team we should have beat. Also, I realized that there is nothing to do around here besides work out and I can’t do that. Instead, I sat around all day yesterday and got so bored with television and Playstation that I read a book… and then another one.

Overall, having a broken foot sucks. Seeing how two of my close friends broken already did this already in the past year, I had this coming. I should have seen the signs (I wonder who is next). And yes, this is the most inopportune time for it to happen (1.5 weeks until graduation), but whatever, it could be worse. I could be these guys (seriously, people getting hit in the nuts is never not funny).