Judging by the past two posts I made (X-Mas and this one), it looks as if I’m a Negative Nancy. But I’m not. I swear. But follow me here. New Years kinda sucks and here is why…
Every year, everyone has in their heads what the perfect New Years will be. Maybe go out to a bar, or hang out with friends, or go to a bumpin’ party (or all of the above). We think that our New Years will be like the New Years MTV has, where there is Kristal flowing, Chingy rapping, and Carson Daly being a tool. Unfortunately, in all actuality, none of this happens (1. Kristal is expensive. 2. Who gives a shit about Chingy? 3. I wouldn’t hang out with Carson Daly if given the opportunity). This is why I hate New Years. I hate New Years because I know somewhere far, far away someone is having a legendary time. Someone is standing on a table of a bar with two bottles of champagne in their hands singing Bon Jovi at the top of their lungs (scratch the Bon Jovi part). And you know who isn’t one of these people? Most of us. Most of us have a lame New Years and always come out disappointed. So here is what I say: don’t have any expectations whatsoever. I know, I know. You think you are going to be one of those people standing on top of a table with champagne. But odds are, you won’t. So don’t have any expectations. Let’s look at Mike’s track record over the past three years:
New Years 2006: I went to Times Square and planned this huge “fun filled” day. But there is a reason why every single person who goes to Times Square for New Years says either not to go, or go and be miserable and never do it again. I’m going to be honest: Times Square blows. Here is the situation: the NYPD makes you stand in dividers (and if you don’t get there at least 24 hours in advance, you stand blocks and blocks away from Dick Clark), and you can’t leave the dividers. Period. Not even to pee. I had to pee really bad and bribed a cop with hot chocolate. Did I mention it is freezing out? Well if I haven’t, there you go. It’s cold as hell. Let’s see, what else… Oh, you would expect the ball to be gigantic but it kind of looks like a marble dropping in the game Kerplunk. It’s very anti-clamactic. The ball drops and everyone goes home. No champagne, a couple fireworks and nothing else.
New Years 2007: After the over-ratedness of the previous year’s New Years, I decided to stay at home with a couple of friends. My friend and I decided to go to a local party. As I was sitting at this party, where I barely knew anyone, I decided that I would be better off coming home and playing Madden on Playstation 2 (clearly it was a shitty party). And that is exactly what I did. I got up at around 10:30 pm and left for home where I played Madden until the morning. My parents came back from their celebrations at around 1:30 am, and I didn’t even realize that New Years had passed.
New Years 2008: So I finally had a good New Years… in Italy. So the solution to our little New Years conundrum is to leave the United States to have a good time (not that easy with our economy… unless you go to Canada, but everyone knows Canada is an extension of the United States). We had a great time. We were in a small beach town called Ascea, where a group of around twenty of us went from bar to bar getting pretty cheap drinks. Our night included a stint singing karaoke (the Italians were appauled by this), getting free liquor from locals, and many other cool things. In fact, although I woke up the next morning not believing this happened (I checked the camera for evidence and it was true), the cops in the town gave us bottles of champagne and made us drink and dance to a Cuban singer who was performing (go figure–a Cuban singer in Italy). It was truly a memorable… er… somewhat memorable night. Most impressive was the fact that I got up the next morning pretty hungover and gave a twenty minute presentation on Italian versus German fascism with very little preparation, and gave a good one at that (probably one of my greater life accomplishments).
So there you have it. New Years sucks. My solution: don’t have any expectations or leave the country. Seeing how leaving the country isn’t feasible for most of us, I suggest not having any expectations. Surround yourselves with good friends and cheap drinks and just see where the night takes you. That’s what I plan on doing this New Years. I’ll tell you how it goes. But, let me tell you, I have no expectations whatsoever about the night.