An Interview With Myself

So a couple days ago, a friend asked me to see more of my writing.  I then proceeded to answer him, “You’re not special.  Go read my blog.”  He then said, “I read your blog, but I want to see more.  How about that first draft of a script you wrote.”  I told him that was it wasn’t ready for people to see (except if you are truly awesome), but this gave me an idea: what if I showed a sample of my writing, not from my script, but in the same writing style?  I answered my own idea (apparently I talk to myself) with, “Brilliant!” (apparently I also watch too many Guiness commercials).  So here it is, a conversation with myself…

Not Mike:  Thank you for joining us, Mike.  We really appreciate your time.

Mike:  Not a problem.  Now, I have to know, how do you pronounce your name?  Is that a soft “o” or a hard “o” in “Not?”  Also, “Mike” or “Mika?”

Not Mike:  Well…

Mike:  I don’t care.  That was a test.  You’re the one asking the questions, not me.

Not Mike:  Touche.

Mike:  Damn right, homie.

Not Mike:  Anyway, let’s get to the questions.

Mike:  Let’s.

Not Mike:  Okay.  So you have this blog.  What has been your response to the astounding amount of readers?

Mike:  Well, quite frankly, I’m shocked.  I hate my own writing so I don’t know why anyone else would want to read it.  I am very appreciative, however.

Not Mike:  That’s great.  So tell me what a normal day in the life of Mike is like.

Mike:  I mean, I could get into some intense depth here, which would freak people out, but I won’t.  Fact is, I wake up, do many recreational drugs (i.e. heroin, crack cocaine), and live my life in a high blur.

Not Mike:  Really?

Mike:  That was another test.  And you failed.  Of course I don’t do that shit.  My life is quite boring.  I play a lot of Madden and watch a lot of porn.

Not Mike:  So what are your thoughts on family and friends.

Mike:  I love my family.  I love my friends.  Family friends?  Eh, they’re alright…  Sounds like the name of a Fall Out Boy song.

Not Mike:  You like Fall Out Boy?

Mike:  It’s a guilty pleasure.  I listen to it in the car every once in awhile when no one is around.  It’s like when I say I’m at the gym on Sundays from 9 to 10 when I am clearly watching Desperate Housewives…  This is of course off the record, right?

Not Mike:  Right, yes, of course.

Mike:  Good.  Wouldn’t want anyone knowing that.  People would start to see me as less than the man I truly am.

Not Mike:  Right.  Well, I want to try a little word association if you don’t mind.

Mike:  Sure, this could be fun.

Not Mike:  Ok.  Let’s start easy to warm your brain up:  White House.

Mike:  Obama.

Not Mike:  Black.

Mike:  Obama.

Not Mike:  White.

Mike:  Obama.

Not Mike:  Blogs.

Mike:  Obama.

Not Mike:  You’re not good at this.

Mike:  Obama.

Not Mike:  Okay, let’s move on.

Mike:  That was fun.  Let’s do that again.

Not Mike:  No, let’s not.  Ever.  Let’s go back to questions.

Mike:  Okay.

Not Mike:  What is something that your readers don’t know about you that you would want them to know?

Mike:  Hmmm.  Good question.  It’s like that question that potential employers ask: what is one negative quality you have?  How are you supposed to answer that?  You can’t say you are bad at something important otherwise they won’t hire you!  And if you say you are not bad at anything, then they think you are a pompous jackass, and you won’t get the job!  Back to the question… what was it again?

Not Mike:  What is something that your readers don’t know about you that you would want them to know?

Mike:  Oh, right.  Hmmmm.  Here’s a good one: I am not heartless and care aboot people.

Not Mike:  Aboot?

Mike:  Yeah, like Canadians say.  You know, what are you talking aboot?

Not Mike:  Sure, whatever…  What are your thoughts on women?

Mike:  I love women.  A lot.  But they are retarded.  Maybe I should write a full blog about this.  So that’s all I’m going to say about that.  But I have to say, I do have thoughts on dating sites.  I think you get to a point where you’re not in college anymore and you can’t meet people, so you do that.  If you’re in college and signing up for a dating site, you are pathetic and don’t deserve to find an equally pathetic person on a dating site.

Not Mike:  What are your thoughts about bars?

Mike:  Bars are nice.  Clubs are not.  When you try to mix the two together (see every college bar), we have problems.  Let me use a metaphor.  Say you try and mix an elephant’s genes with human genes.  What do you get?

Not Mike:  I don’t know.

Mike:  You get a humaphant!  It’s screwy.  And nobody likes that.  The humaphant will end up being tested and shunned in society.  That’s what I think about bar/club combinations.  We don’t need them.  Just like we don’t need humaphants.

Not Mike:  Do you have any interesting projects coming up in the near future?

Mike:  Well, besides continuing this blog, what else do you want from me?

Not Mike:  I don’t know.

Mike:  Well, my script is on an indefinite hiatus because, quite frankly I am too busy enjoying my last semester of college.  I am always writing though.

Not Mike:  Very nice.  Well good luck with everything.

Mike:  Thanks boss.

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