My Broken Foot

May 12, 2009

Yes, the rumors are true, I have a broken foot (did the title of this entry give it away?). And it sucks. A lot. But this is the risk you take when mixing a wrestling themed party, jungle juice, and Mike (I think the line I used last week was, “I can’t wait for the gratuitous violence at this party,” so I had this one coming). To be fair, there were other injuries by friends (the injury report says here: one busted knee, an injured shoulder, and more), but this one takes the cake.

There are some positive to this. And by positives, I mean two positives. First, I see that I have friends who care about me. But more importantly, people do everything for you just short of wiping your ass. I get rides everywhere, people make me food, ask me how I’m doing. For an egomaniac, the attention is intoxicating. All kidding aside, it is nice to have friends who help out though.

However, there are some huger drawbacks to a broken foot that completely outweigh the attention I am receiving:

Anything involving the bathroom is twenty times more difficult. I truly didn’t realize how easy I had it–walking to the bathroom, unzipping my pants, and peeing. Or brushing my teeth (with my pants zipped of course). Or showering. Or the other thing you do in the bathroom that girls don’t (pooping). However, with a broken foot, it is much more difficult. Here’s the situation: I get up from the couch after watching three hours straight of Keeping Up With The Kardashians (when you have a broken foot, your options of activities are very limited). I hop to the bathroom (I didn’t want to use crutches because my arms are bruised from them), and get to the toilet. Normally, I would unzip my zipper and do what I have to do but now, I have to use my dominant (and wee wee holder) left hand to hold onto the counter. Thus my non-dominant hand is left to do all the work. After I finally get my pants unzipped I stand there and am so uncomfortable from having all my weight on one foot that I can’t urinate. I stand there and finally force it out. A thirty second deed just took me four minutes. Don’t get me started on showering (my lower body is not clean right now) or brushing my teeth.

Eating out. Typically, I would stand at the counter, order food, carry it to my table, probably pick up a soda on the way and sit down. Now, I sit down, tell my friends what I want and they get it. I appreciate this, but let’s be real: an individual knows what he or she wants best. For instance, yesterday, my friends and I went out for lunch. Typically, on Mondays, I would get french fries (it’s unlimited so back off) but I sat there for twenty minutes without the savory deliciousness of those spicy curly fries. I know I’m nitpicking here and trust me, I’m not complaining at all, but it was just an observation.

Playing sports/working out. Quite frankly, these two things are out of the question. It pained me to sit and watch my intramural softball team fall in the final four to a team we should have beat. Also, I realized that there is nothing to do around here besides work out and I can’t do that. Instead, I sat around all day yesterday and got so bored with television and Playstation that I read a book… and then another one.

Overall, having a broken foot sucks. Seeing how two of my close friends broken already did this already in the past year, I had this coming. I should have seen the signs (I wonder who is next). And yes, this is the most inopportune time for it to happen (1.5 weeks until graduation), but whatever, it could be worse. I could be these guys (seriously, people getting hit in the nuts is never not funny).

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Mike’s Guide To End of College Drama

May 4, 2009

For whatever reason, no matter at what level, drama emerges as people near graduation.  It could be high school, college, whatever—it just happens.  I don’t actually know why this happens; maybe because people live in close contact (in college, practically on top of each other) and find little things that annoy you about another person.  It could just be built up frustration with a person after four years.  Or it could be something else.  Whatever the reason, this drama happens.  It’s inevitable.  This is why I have created some guidelines to handling the inevitable drama.  In addition, I have added some personal stories to prove my points.

Don’t overreact.  When people start yelling at you, they want a reaction. In fact, they don’t even care if you are sorry—they just want to see you get as mad or upset about the situation as they are.  Take just last week, when I didn’t react to being called out for canceling plans:

Girl 1:  You are such a dick.  I cancelled my plans for you.
Mike:  (calmly) I’m really sorry.  It was a dick move.  I truly am sorry.
Girl 1:  (frustrated) You’re not even angry about it.  Wow, you don’t care.  You truly are a huge asshole.
Mike:  No, really.  I am really sorry.  I can’t express how sorry I am to you.
Girl 1:  Don’t do your whole lawyer “calm argument” thing.  You are truly a dick.
Mike:  No, seriously.  I am sorry.

The girl continued to get incredibly angry because I wasn’t reacting the way she wanted me to react.  She clearly wanted to have this intense argument with me to make her feel better about the situation.  Instead, I stepped back and thought, “Is this really worth a stupid argument that could ruin a friendship?”  The answer was clearly no and I am glad I avoided that.  And I was truly sorry.

If you do overreact, things could go incredibly wrong.  For instance a couple weeks ago, after a long night out with a lot of drinking, another girl called me out for being an asshole (I know this sounds like a common theme but not all people think I’m an asshole… as far as I know).  Let’s take a peek into this discussion in the middle of the argument:

Girl 2:  No seriously, you are an asshole.
Mike:  (angry) I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU THINK.  I’M NOT GONNA TALK TO YOU IN FOUR FUCKIN’ WEEKS!  STOP WITH YOUR CONDESCENDING BULLSHIT!

As we can see, there is a stark difference between what was said when Mike was sober and smart compared to when Mike was drunk.  The thought process wasn’t there.  Of course, this girl got exactly what she wanted: a reaction.  Clearly this girl calling me an asshole when I was drunk annoyed me.  Which brings me to my next point:

Don’t get into arguments when drunk.  Nothing good can come out of this.  Period.  For some odd reason, girls (most of the time) wait until they are drunk to call out both sexes on things they are upset about.  It could be that one person is an asshole, or that you never called her back or whatever—bottom line is, girls do this.  A lot.  I believe they call this liquid confidence.  And I have to say from personal experience, everything that is said goes in one ear and out the other.  When I woke up the next morning after the drunken argument above, I laughed about it.  I thought to myself, “Seriously, did this just happen? Did I just waste my time arguing when I could have been doing something mischievous and ridiculous instead?”  I then brushed it off and continued to think how ridiculous it was that I was called out when drunk.  Girls, we don’t listen to when you do this drunk.  It doesn’t make any sense.

Admit defeat.  There is nothing people hate more when arguing then if you say they are right.  Especially in these quasi-drama situations.  When your not-so-close friend calls you out for something ridiculous over the next couple of weeks, they just want to get a reaction out of you.  They don’t want you to admit how wrong you were.  They just want a reaction.  Take this past weekend.

Girl 3:  We are not going to [hang out and play solitaire] tonight.
Mike:  Why not?
Girl 3:  Because you only call me when [you really want to play solitaire].
Mike:  (ponders this idea for a second) Touché.  I’ll see you around.
Girl 3:  That’s it?
Mike:  Yeah, you made a great point.

People hate when you say they are right.  It eats them up inside, which, if you think about it, is the exact opposite point of an argument.  But this is how life works.

If a girl says she is mad at you for no reason, she wants you. If a guy says he is mad at you for no reason, he is hiding the fact he is actually a girl, and he wants you.  Girls do this all the time.  They will say they are mad at you and then not tell you why.  This is because she wants you.  And trust me, this is going to happen a lot over the next two weeks.  In fact, there are going to be so many “did that person just hook up with that person?” over the next couple of weeks it will be shocking.  Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

That is all the advice I have to give you (that I could currently think of).  There is going to be tons of fake drama over the next two weeks for college graduates (and in June for high school graduates).  My overarching piece of advice to you is that your true, close friends won’t do this.  It will be people that are on the periphery of your group of friends.  Thus, I say just ignore it.  Walk away or just admit that the person you are “arguing” with is right.  Partially give them what they want to hear.  Don’t overreact because you will just look like a jackass.  Take these in stride and laugh it off.  Girls, be warned, you will have more drama then us men.  All girls secretly hate each other and if there were statistics available, they would show that more fallouts around graduation happen among groups of girls.  Girls, just be prepared.  Be smart.  Guys and girls, just truly realize how ridiculous most of these arguments are.  Your true friends will be your true friends before, during and after graduation. Your fake friends with whom you get in arguments with are the ones you will never speak to again after graduation.  They will just be the ones you have these conversations about:

Mike:  Remember [Girl 2]?
Real friend:  Yeah.
Mike:  Whatever happened to her?
Real friend:  I don’t know.
Mike:  Yeah, who cares?  That girl was ridiculous anyway.