Being Friends With Girls

So let me just start with this: I have nothing interesting in my life to talk about. Seriously, nothing monumental, no perspective changing experience. I’m just kind of chilling, which is not a problem (except for my loyal blog readers… and I write “loyal” and “readers” lightly). However, I want to at least get one blog entry this month so I’ll write about something that I have been thinking about but never put to paper: friendships with girls.

Let me start this thought by alienating all girl readers: Quite frankly, I do not enjoy being friends with girls compared to being friends with dudes. Bottom line is, us guys are way more loyal to each other, trustworthy, and don’t hold crazy beefs. For instance, every group of girls I see, they say they are best friends (girls abuse that term anyway), and although in a girl’s sense they may be, they clearly are not by male definition (also we don’t use “best friend”, “bff”, or any other shortened term. We are just “boys”). Secretly, girls harbor jealousy and nitpick little things they don’t like about each other. This is just the first of many reasons I would rather be friends with guys. We kind of just chill and have a good time. I know if there is an issue between any of my friends, we call each other out or ignore it and move on with our lives. It doesn’t affect our friendships. In fact, some of the reasons I have seen guy friends never talk to each other again include: friend tries to hook up with sister, friend tries to hook up with girl friend, friend kills family members. Accordingly, if these things happen, most of the time (except for the last example) a simple apology works just fine (“Dude, weak move by me. Seriously weak.”).

(Sidenote: Nothing happened to me in the past couple weeks that made me think this way, nor am I bitter towards a girl or her friends in anyway. This is just fact. Also, there are exceptions, but very rarely).

Now, if a guy decides to become friends with a girl (and by “friend,” I actually mean friends. Nothing else), there are several labels that a male could be categorized as:

Out of Leaguer: The girl a male has befriended is way too hot for this guy. Therefore, either the girl sees this (I could swear girls have a sixth sense about this) and immediately puts him into the friend zone, or the guy accepts (begrudgingly) the friendship because attention from a hot girl is better than no attention at all. This category sucks. Hot girls do this constantly and consciously and if they tell you any differently they are lying.

Blown opportunity friend: The girl is clearly in the guy’s league and the guy actually had a chance with the girl. However, the small window of opportunity closed and therefore they are stuck in the friend zone forever. This window actually closes when a guy gets to know a girl too well. Thus, they start to share personal life stories and the girl gets way too comfortable and likes this friendship she has formed. The guy is blind to this (he lies to himself) until this realization where he either chooses to stay friends or just bails.

Fugly friend: In this situation, the girl is way below the dude’s level and the guy decides to friend this girl because she is really cool or has hot friends. This happens constantly. In fact, the ugly friend could potentially be a great wing(wo)man. Also, it is important to note that all hot girls have one ugly friend. Girls, if you don’t think this is true, you are the ugly friend in your group.

Your bro’s girlfriend: This is one of the few completely acceptable friendships with girls. But, one must keep their distance when around these girls because the girl could be gone any day (and clearly, you stay loyal to your friend over his girl). It is completely okay for a guy to become friends with this kind of girl. It helps to further the friendship between you and the dude and also with the girl (in addition, the girl could have hot friends). (Note: It could become sticky if you become friends with the girlfriend and guy at the same time and then they break up. This sucks. My only advice to you is to find someone else to give you advice on this).

Just Not There Girl: These are the kinds of girls that you really want there to be some kind of attraction but there is just something missing. It could either be looks or personality or whatever, but it just isn’t there. So, the male becomes friends with her. This is okay, but once again, please refer to the first paragraph of this entry.

Miscellaneous Girl: For whatever reason, you are friends with her (it better be a damn good excuse–i.e. family friend who you see as a sister, girl has a v.d., distant cousin, etc.). Once again, refer to the first paragraph.

Now, I know what you are thinking: this entry sucks. But I’m sure a little bit of you wants to know what the author’s situation is with girls when it comes to being friends with them. I enjoy the friendship of girls. I have no problem with them. In fact, every time I chill with a friend who is a girl I enjoy myself. With that being said, my closest friends are, for the most part, guys because of the reasoning above. My close guy friends are very trustworthy and like fart jokes, and poop jokes, and things I like (porn, chicken, beer). On the other hand, if you find a trustworthy girl who you can’t date (one of your bro’s siblings or girlfriends, or lesbian), I say you hold them close to you as friends. I have found a half handful (three?) of these kinds of girls with whom I cherish their friendship and that’s it. However, the rest of the girls I’m friends with fit into one of the many categories above, and this drives me crazy. Especially blown opportunity friend. Those really blow and brings on a terrible feeling of failure (I could name four off the top of my head without thinking. And any male not named Brad Pitt can as well, guaranteed). In fact, these are the kinds of girls that make me lose sleep… or go after the fugly friend.

2 Responses to Being Friends With Girls

  1. Melissa says:

    Which girl am I??????

  2. Abby says:

    At first I was going to say that your categorizing process makes your friendships sound awfully complicated, but then I remembered that I compartmentalize everyone I know. I really hope you don’t have a hard copy of this list somewhere- it sounds like the makings of an after school special where we learn not to write down that our friends are fugly/read our better-looking friends’ diaries…

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