So I never talk about losses in competitions. Never. Until today. This is because I have lost yet another public election. As an ode to my Susan Lucci type losing streak, I recall my most recent losses over the past ten years. Don’t ask me why I remember these. It probably has something to do with the fact that I am insanely competitive and every loss eats at me. But, for your entertainment, I present to you the public losing streak of Mike.
8th Grade Class President Primaries
I don’t remember who I was running against in these primaries. I do remember looking around at the “debates” we had and thinking that I am much smarter than these people, and more qualified to win. However, I came in as kind of a dark horse candidate (a couple friends in class pushed me to do it because they thought I would be the best for the job), and knew that I had no chance to win in this popularity contest. But, because of this major defeat (well, I know I got at least one vote… because I voted for myself), I got the bug. I loved running in elections. It was a rush. Little did I know that my past ten years of losing in sports would be nothing compared to my next ten years of losing elections.
9th Grade Class Representative
This time, I ran again on a much smaller scale: class representative. I was in an honors class (maybe honors computer programming?) and therefore had about every over-achiever in the entire grade in one class. So, in this diluted representative race, there were about eight other kids running for that highly valued Student Government position (first one to three votes wins?). Now thinking back on it, I really didn’t come out of my shell as the awesomest dude around (I say that in the least amount of seriousness possible) for a couple of years, so I was probably very shy when having to give a speech in front of the class (trust me, if math superstar fourteen year old Mike would have guessed that he would have been a 22 year old Government and Politics graduate he would have laughed… and then probably cried because he was very round). This shyness did not bode well for an election and I got spanked again. But I loved running.
Student Government Association Secretary (10th Grade)
God knows why I would run against a rising junior, who as far as I can remember, was an attractive girl (I can’t even remember her name… this seems to be a consistent theme here, which begs the question if this is a defense mechanism for my miserable high school years). I had “won” my class representative this year (and by “won” I mean beating up on a kid who was probably half-mentally challenged, so I don’t count that as a win). I was a little more outgoing this time, giving out stickers to the entire school and hanging up clever posters (this started a precedent for the upcoming years). I said everything right to the people in my classes, but knew the only chance I had for victory was to get the vote of the entire sophomore class, assume she gets the entire vote of the junior class and we battle over the freshman class. Unfortunately, I lost this battle, but looking back, I started to form the strategies that I studied in college in my election class (focus on the places you will definitely win a little bit, focus on the places you will definitely lose very little and focus the most on the “battleground states”). Wow, I’m actually quite impressed. I’m sure my elections professor would be too. Also, I did not give a very good speech to the entire school. This started my drive to become a better public speaker and to finally win an election.
United Synagogue Youth Chapter President (11th Grade)
As a high schooler, I was very dedicated to USY, the Jewish Youth Group for high school that dominates this entire country (some would call it a cult). Because of my passion for this incredibly stupid organization (picture everyone at conventions claiming they were “BFFLAEAEAEAE” and then only speaking to each other at these conventions), I decided I wanted to run for president of my chapter. Besides, I was very disappointed in the performance of my chapter and had some amazing ideas to fix it. At this point in my life, I had finally achieved my goal of becoming a good public speaker–I was witty, calm, collected and even went off the cuff and told jokes. The one problem here is that the director of my chapter of USY hated me. Granted, I was an immature douche who said whatever came to his mind (some things never change), but he never gave me a fair shake. In fact, he barred some people from voting in the election because he knew they were going to vote for me. Although I lost this election (this starts a long string of questionable election processes), I got the last laugh: the director of my chapter was fired because of this situation.
Jewish Student Union Executive Vice President (Junior in College)
After my high school years and defeats, I kind of backed off from elections for awhile. I was very happy with life, a very successful government major, and satisfied with my standing with the organization (as a deadbeat I.T. guy). Unfortunately, one of my close friends decided he was going to run for president and came to me months before and asked me to be his Executive Vice President. I originally resisted, but he had some great ideas and I liked his vision. I accepted and for months we worked together, concocting our plan to win the election and planning events for the future (we started a year plan). I thought we were unstoppable. That was until the time to officially put our names on the ballots came along. The JSU executive board had no problem with me applying because I was on cabinet already, but my friend who wanted to run for president was not associated with the organization at all (he applied twice to cabinet and was rejected twice). The president said he couldn’t run. Of course he scoured over the constitution and found nothing so after a lot of arguing, he and I were on the ballot together. The election was nasty. My friend and I received a lot of flack from the executive board and we were very concerned that the election was going to be rigged. So we confided in two members of the executive board… who turned out to be the people who ended up allegedly rigging the election. We had heard some rumors but they were actually confirmed for me a couple months later when one of the people who rigged it (and had subsequently graduated) was caught by another good friend of mine talking about how he rigged it (with others there to vouch on the validity of this situation). I never spoke outwardly about this election before this blog, and although I am saddened that another Jew could be responsible for such hate and terrible judgment, I was respectful toward the new executive board and joined as a cabinet member. However, I hope the people that rigged the election (the two people know exactly who they are) fail at life. They deserve it.
Student Bar Association (First Year In Law School)
Looking past the fact that I fully supported Hillary Clinton for president and lost that one, this is my next and newest defeat (it happened a day ago). I wouldn’t mention something like this so soon, but my frustration with my election luck has boiled over. Again, this election reeked of questionable election habits. But first, let me start from the beginning. For some reason, I decided I wanted to become a Senator in the Student Bar Association (the reasons go past the part that I wanted everyone to call me “Senator Rosen”). So I submitted my petition with 25 fellow students’ signatures on it and officially became a candidate. I put fliers up all around the school (some included “Mike Rosen likes rainbow highlighting”, “Mike Rosen > Chuck Norris”, and “Mike Rosen wants mandatory naptime.”) I learned through my studies as a government major that the best campaign signs are the shortest, sweetest and most memorable. I had accomplished all three. On election day, I was nervous, but confident that I had a chance to win. The elections started at 11am, so I walked over at around 11:45am. When I went to vote I noticed something pretty crucial for victory in an election: my name wasn’t on the ballot. I immediately went to the president who told me I didn’t follow the constitution by not putting my section letter on my petition. I told her I read the constitution and it said nothing of the sort (I also thought to myself, “Right in front of you on the table where voting is taking place is my platform. It states my section in big bold letters. Really? Really future lawyer?”). Being the third week law student I am, I consulted the constitution, and was right. The president then added my name manually onto every ballot that was not filled out yet, but the damage was done. This massive error had pretty much assured another loss for Mike Rosen. I could have argued this, but who wants to make enemies in the third week of law school? Not I. Oh well. I guess it’s meant to be.
To conclude, what is there to say except that Mike is the losingest candidate of all-time. Mike is like the Susan Lucci of elections. The Patrick Ewing of elections. The 40 year old virgin of elections (by the way, if you continue to say elections in sentences over and over again, is it me or does it start to sound like “erections”?). At this point even my own mother said that maybe I should not run for these kind of things anymore. But let me ask you this: did Susan Lucci quit “All My Children” when she lost the Daytime Emmy for Outstanding Lead Actress in a Drama Series for the seventeenth straight year? Hold on, let me Wikipedia this… No! She did not! And when she finally won it was the sweetest moment of her life. So, I’m going to keep pushing until I finally do win one of these stupid, stressful, taking years off my life elections.