Mike’s Gratuitous New Year’s Post 2010

December 23, 2009

First things first, I’m skipping right over the Christmas Post. In past years, I have really grown to not like Christmas, but something has changed this year (maybe it has something to do with living in the same city as the location of Home Alone 2–easily the best Christmas movie ever… and this awesome medley). I like Christmas (however, I’m still a little annoyed that Santa has skipped over my house for the past 22 years… I couldn’t imagine why). It has made Chanukah try to measure up to it. What can I say, I love gifts.

Second things second, now that I have had this blog for over a year and a half, I have gone back and looked at past posts to think about what I was thinking of the same time a year ago. One of the first ones I looked forward to reading was last New Year’s Post (I actually had two of them). In the second New Year’s post (not the one where I wrote about how much I hate New Year’s), I wrote my New Year’s resolutions for the 2009 year. Looking past the fact that resolutions are clearly stupid (seriously, you just end up disappointed), here is the outcome of Mike’s 2009 Resolutions:

Eliminate the words hate and awkward. For the first couple months of 2009, I was really good with both words. But then I realized: there are some things I hate. I hate cold weather. I hate the taste of mustard. I hate stupid people. I know in my post last year I said it was too strong of a word, and should only be saved for things that you truly hate, but seriously, these are things in my life I can’t stand (I fully acknowledge that the list I made is truly small in the grand scheme of things). Although I used it less (for instance, I don’t hate Kanye West’s deuchey personality, I just dislike it and would never hang out with him… unless he buys the drinks. Or, I don’t hate what they’ve done to Scrubs, I just strongly dislike it), I still use the word “hate”. I just save it for things I’m very passionate about (mostly stupid people). Also, with awkward, I have completely eliminated this word from my vocabulary. Even when I type it here and I read it back in my head, it makes me cringe. This word should be saved for the 16-year-old girls who truly are in that awkward, why am I flatter than the rest of the girls stage.

Lose 10 pounds. Check. Thank you cocaine and cigarettes. I kid, I kid. It’s just done through obsessing over the gym. Now I’m more beautiful than I was a year ago (and clearly, a lot less modest).

Girlfriend. Uncheck. Law school has stolen this opportunity from me and in my last semester in undergrad, I was too drunk to see that it was a great opportunity to meet some great girls. Talk to me in a year.

Treat people with more respect. In general, I think people should be treated with respect… but when they earn it. There are so many people on this earth who are just not good people, and should not be respected (see “The Jersey Shore”). There’s one kind of person who I constantly come across who makes me sick to my stomach and I can never treat with respect: It is that person who clearly is inferior to everyone else but will make mean jokes or snide comments to put people down just to feel better about themselves. I “hate” this person. I guess in the past year, I have seen that not everyone deserves respect and respect is earned. I respect people who work hard, are respectful of others and who don’t take themselves too seriously. There are just too many people in this world who just aren’t good people and although you can act respectful towards them, you don’t have to respect them (big difference there). I think I’ve learned that strongly in the past year.

As for 2010 (do you say “two-thousand and ten” or “twenty ten”? I can’t decide which sounds cooler), I don’t want to make resolutions (well, now I’m fresh out of late December 2010 blog posts). I just want to be me (which means awesome). I want to keep sane, not take myself too seriously and work hard. I’m at a point in my life where I am me and if I’m not satisfied with it, I’m pretty screwed. Therefore, I just want to take all my experiences (i.e. working 14 hour days everyday all semester long) in stride and enjoy them. I really just want to enjoy the journey of law school and the people who are there with me for the ride, as well as people who have joined me on past journeys. I consider myself very lucky to be in the position I am in and want to continue never taking any of this journey for granted.

Ah, crap. I guess I just made a quasi-New Year’s resolution.

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Mike’s Official Checklist To See If Your Graduate School Program Is Harder Than Law School

December 12, 2009

So for the past three months, people have said to me, “So what? I work hard in grad school, too.” I wasn’t complaining, but I was just saying how hard law school is. Immediately after this these people say, “Anyway, they’re not comparable.” My answer to these people: you’re wrong. They are comparable. In fact, I’ve composed a checklist to decide if your graduate school program is harder than law school, simply because I am sick of people complaining about how hard their program is (they don’t know hard… that’s what she said).

1. Have you been studying for finals since November?
If you answered yes, please move on to question 2.
If no, congratulations, you’re program is not as hard as law school. Stop complaining.

2. Did you have more than one day during Thanksgiving break where you didn’t do intense amount of work?
If you answered yes, please move on to question 3.
If no, seriously, go to hell. I saw more of my town’s library in 4 days then I did in my entire life combined.

3. Was there a major in college that gave you substantial requisite knowledge about the subject you are studying in graduate school?
If you answered no, please move on to question 4.
If yes, you are a bastard.

4. Have you had a “Thirsty Thursday” in the past month?
If you answered no, please move on to question 5.
If yes, I hate you. And you have a slight alcohol problem.

5. Do you think open note and open book tests are easier than closed book and closed notes tests?
If you answered no, please move on to question 6.
If yes, you are foolishly, foolishly wrong.

6. Have you chilled with friends or family during finals week (which is interestingly two weeks)?
If you answered no, please move on to question 7.
If yes, go see my friends and family and tell them I say “what up.”

7. Do you go on Facebook during your small breaks and get angry when you see people having fun?
If you answered yes, please move on to question 8.
If you answered no, well you’re a lot more sane than me, but you’re disqualified.

8. Have you gone out to bars 6 or more times in the past month?
If no, please move on to question 9.
If yes, tell beer I say hello.

9. Do you sometimes look at homeless people and think, “Man, they have it easy.”?
If yes, please move on to question 10.
If no, you are a well adjusted person who hasn’t assured his or her place in hell yet.

10. Do you have a five?
If yes, please move on to question 11.
If no, go fish. Then move onto question 11.

11. Are you in law school?
If no, holy crap–I don’t know what you are doing but it is crazy. If only I could relate. Oh wait, I can.
If yes, I could have predicted this. Law school is a bitch. It was all fun and games (wait no it wasn’t) until Halloween passed. Now it is all business. Long days thinking about sunnier pastures (i.e. immediately after your last final, college, college during exam time, getting pegged over and over again by kickballs… in the balls), in addition to the monotony of legal work.


Mike v. Mickey (N.Y. 2009)

December 7, 2009

About a month ago, a friend of mine was telling me how she had an unwelcomed mouse in her apartment. I know New York City is famous for their rodents (among other things which include: people with attitudes, homeless people with attitudes, cabbies with attitudes, etc), but it was one of those situations where I thought, “This could never happen to me.” Granted, my friend’s apartment was way cleaner than mine, but these types of situations never happened to me (i.e. the pink eye epidemic of 2008. I’m pretty sure I was one of maybe one or two in my group of friends who didn’t contract it… most likely because I didn’t allow anyone to fart on my pillow).

Thus, when I was joined in my apartment by a furry little friend I was shocked and caught completely off guard. I was sitting on the couch, watching television, when out of the corner of my eye, I saw something move. Immediately, I told myself that if I didn’t look it didn’t exist, but I couldn’t help and looked anyway. And there it was. A little mouse the size of a ping pong ball sitting on my floor. And what did I do? What any man would do when he sees an animal that he is one billion percent larger than: scream like Carlton Banks. I screamed for a solid 10 seconds and then it ran away.

Now, I was pretty shocked/upset that a rodent was in my relatively clean apartment. But I was more shocked/upset at my reaction. It’s one of those reactions that you can never plan for–something that catches you so off guard that it is a natural and uncontrollable reaction. Prior to this incident, I would expect a reaction where I wasn’t scared, but a little suprised, and react with a small “whoa.” I didn’t expect my reaction to be a high pitched scream. In fact I was more appalled with this scream then actually having a mouse (there you go, one of the first self depricating paragraphs in my blog’s history).

I know what your thinking (besides Mike’s a pussy), “What happened to the mouse?” Well, let me tell you, my loyal reader, I now have a personal vendetta against this mouse and all other mice in this city–first, to reclaim the sanctity of my clean apartment and second, to reclaim my balls. There is no way an awesome man like me should be afraid of a little thing. Therefore, I brought the heavy artillary out, in a complete warfare last seen in Afghanistan–I bought $25 worth of pest control. I bought everything: 2 traps, rat poison, and this sticky stuff (which is actually slightly fun to touch and pull off of) that catches the mouse in its tracks. I am going to terrorize this mouse more than Mike Vick terrorized the Madden 2004… and dogs (okay, that was too far). I hate this creature.


Mike’s Post Finals Plans

December 2, 2009

Now that I am less than two weeks away from finals being done and over with for his first semester of law school, assuming finals don’t kill me, I have started to think about what I am going to do over the 5.5 weeks we have off from slavery (in fact, besides the idea of drinking heavily immediately after finals, this is what gets me through everyday). I have compiled a list of my plans for break:

– Go to sleep whenever I want and wake up sometime in the afternoon: Seriously, I don’t remember what 1 a.m. looks like (probably something like 10:30 p.m. except that you can find softcore porn on HBO)… I don’t even remember what midnight looks like. Therefore, I am going to figure this out during break. I will play video games, hang out at 7-11, watch Late Night with Jimmy Fallon and do whatever I want because I don’t have to worry about what I am doing the next day (probably the same thing as the day before… nothing). As my last post fully explained, I am completely insane when it comes to scheduling. I have not slept past 8 a.m. since Halloween (I’m still recovering from that epic night), including the weekends. I wake up at 7 a.m. and am all business until I fall asleep at 10:30 to 11ish (seriously, I’m tired now). I just want freedom.

– Beat the original Legend of Zelda for NES: Okay, this is a weird one. But ever since I heard that this game was named the greatest game of all-time by Game Informer (no, I don’t read this religiously. I happened to glance at it. There is nothing stupider than reading a magazine about a game that you could find out about by just playing), I have had these major flashbacks to my childhood. I can honestly say that this game defined my video game playing years in the mid-90s. A friend and I only played this game (until we discovered Sonic the Hedgehog 2 and Sonic Spinball for Sega) for years, with no game guide and only a map of the landscape of the Zelda world. We played for years and almost completed the game but couldn’t. It is now my goal to start from scratch and complete Mike, age six to nine’s life goal. I will pull out my NES, attach it to an HDTV (I doubt the makers of NES saw foresaw this), and try and beat this damn game. Also, let me just say I have been campaigning for years that this is the best game of all-time. I am now justified.

– Have a power hour: Watching the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show made me sad. For one, unless I become incredibly rich I will never actually speak to a girl like that in person. But also, I got a major flashback to the past three shows where my friends and I had a power hour while watching it (thus combining the two most manly things of all time: boobs and beer). I want to do this again. Even if I have to buy the Fashion Show on iTunes and add in my own commercials to make it a full hour.

– Experience New York City without work floating over my head: I want to know what this whole night life at 4 a.m. is like. I did it in college, but those nights usually ended that late because someone was throwing up or because someone wanted to go to 7-11. In New York, it’s a different story. I feel like a back end of the rotation starter in baseball because I usually am sleeping after going out at 1:30 or 2 a.m. (the nightlife equivalent of coming out in the fifth inning). This is, of course, considering when I actually went out (Halloween and before this). I want to see what New York is like that late (probably the same as 10:30 p.m. except that you can find softcore porn on HBO).

– Go down to Washington, D.C.: First I want to see my crew. It’s tough being in New York without them (of course, I don’t mind the new people I’ve been hanging with… In fact I like them a lot but there is something about being around people who you spent three years straight with… I guess we will feel this at graduation), but this is because I can’t use my lingo around people here because they wouldn’t understand me. Homecoming was just a small preview of a normal night for my crew (i.e. getting drunk and climbing a fence into an ACC football field in dress clothing and wreaking havoc). I just want to go to D.C. and repeat this… and potentially see people from college that I wasn’t huge fans of and show how intellectually above them I am… and wreak havoc in their apartments.