The Charles Barkley Knucklehead Theory

May 25, 2010

By popular demand Mike’s blog is back. Okay, I use popular demand lightly. I define it as: when my mother asks me when I am writing another blog because she finds them funny. With that in mind, and to satisfy the public’s (mother’s) demand, I offer you the key to all law school exams. With this little tidbit you will essentially be on the level of a finished first year law student (like myself). The only reason I didn’t write about this sooner is because I am ultra-competitive and didn’t want to release my secret weapon to the rest of the class (I did however RELEASE THE CRACKEN!*** and killed three of the top first year law students. Their memories will live on in all of our hearts).

One day, a couple of months ago, I was thinking about law school (as opposed to normally when I think about law school). One of my professors talked about how you should read the facts to each case and think about how the case should end. While trying to think about how a certain case should end, I was also watching the NBA on TNT (yeah, I know, I probably should have focused a little better on this but go with me here). In the background, I heard Sir Charles Barkley talking about how someone was a “turble knucklehead.” Then it occurred to me: all I have to do is apply Charles Barkley’s simple life outlook to each case and 85% of the time I would guess the outcome correctly (85% of the time it works everytime). Yes, this is how I birthed the Charles Barkley Knucklehead Theory.*****

Let me show you an example: In Cobauth v. Klick-Lewis Inc, the plaintiff approached the 9th hole where there was a car and an offer for a free car for a hole-in-one. In actuality, the car was left there from a charity tournament two days earlier and it was never taken away. After the plaintiff conveniently got a hole-in-one, he sued for his prize. Now, there is some legal mumbo-jumbo to explain this but, stop, close your eyes, and think about who is the knucklehead in this situation. Now write down who you think should be the winner: the golfer or the car owner. Wow, I can’t believe you got the right answer! Of course it’s the knucklehead car owner who lost. Why? Because he is a knucklehead.

On every test this semester, I looked at the fact sequence, thought about who the knucklehead was and then tried to find the legalese to explain why he or she was the knucklehead (i.e. This is a direct quote from my exam: “Because that knucklehead didn’t record his deed! This knucklehead is just like Kim Jong Il. He’s a knucklehead. Turble, turble knucklehead.” I then went on to quote Charles Barkley for 1200 words, leaving 2200 words for the rest of the exam). So there you go. You can thank me a year from now when you are the smartest and awesomest non-knuckleheaded law student ever. You’re welcome in advance.

*** Note: Did anyone actually see the movie “Clash of the Titans”? I kind of want to see it just to see the line said. It’s like seeing Snakes on a Plane just to see Samuel L. Jackson say, “I have had it with these mother f*ckin snakes on this mother f*ckin plane.” Yes, I saw it, and solely for this reason. The rest of the movie didn’t make sense (i.e. Did Kenan from “All That” just land a plane because he plays a video game flight simulator?).

***** Note: If you rely solely on the Knucklehead Theory and don’t study you are actually a knucklehead and will fail miserably.