My Back-Up Plan

June 11, 2010

About a month and a half ago, the Wall Street Journal published an article on the suffering job market for graduating law students. Luckily, I have two years until I have to worry about this (and if the economy isn’t fixed by then, I’m screwed, and we could be looking at a Republican President, even though this crisis is not Obama’s fault), but I’m always planning ahead. Therefore, I created a couple back up plans in case my law career fails.

Plan 1: Jeff Marx, one of the writers of Avenue Q, went to my law school. While he was practicing for Moot Court or generally hating his life, he was probably concocting the idea for one of the most brilliant musicals in the past 25 years. In college, when life was easy, I was always writing pieces. However, when I started law school, I completely stopped writing. But, this didn’t mean I stopped thinking of ideas. Now, my loyal reader(s), I am going to drop some creative knowledge on you. Here is my brilliant idea, based on the fact that people nowadays love musicals, puppets, vampires, and drugs: A Requiem For A Dream type musical, with vampire puppets. Your welcome for that. Maybe I’ll even have Robert Pattinson voice a character. I will accept my Tony in 2014. I will accept my Oscar (for when it is made into a movie) in 2018.

Plan 2: Become an infomercial spokesman. Vince “Offer” Shlomi markets Slap Chop and Shamwow. He also is busy getting arrested for altercations with prostitutes. Here’s what I would offer any company: One, I have no arrest record. Two, I’m not addicted to cocaine (hellllooooo Billy Mays) or have even used drugs. Three, I’m not a giant douche like Vince Shlomi. Finally, I can show evidence that I get excited about everything (i.e. “This is the greatest sandwich of all-time.” Two days later at a different restaurant: “This is the greatest sandwich of all-time.” And so on). I also can introduce some catch phrases, like “Ska-doosh.”

Plan 3: Invest in porn. In our economic history, all markets have fluctuated, whether it be the Slap Chop market, the internet or movie businesses. However, one thing has always stayed constant: pornography. Every male loves porn. Every male watches porn. Even some girls do. Everyday, I get new “spam” mail (does it count as spam mail if you signed up for the mailing list?) about another new porn site. Porn sites never die. Even ESPNZones die, and most males love sports. However, more males like porn. I have a couple decent ideas for porn sites that haven’t been created yet (actually they probably have): GILF Hunter, My First GILF, and BangShortBus (mostly they are just variations involving grandmas or modes of transportation). I think I’ve stumbled onto a gold mine.