Well hello there fellow reader(s). I know, I know. It’s been awhile (am I the only one who hears that Staind song in his head with the lead singer who sounds like he’s taking a dump and singing at the same time?), but I’ve been paralyzed by Lebron James mania. I don’t think so many people have been glued to the television since post 9/11. Although I’m not comparing the two, in both situations we both waited on hands and knees to hear about some idiots’ actions (Osama bin Laden and Lebron James, who also happen to have matching beards). Oh, and in both, New York got screwed. But I’m done talking about Lebron-mania… I don’t want to black out because of the rage I feel inside anymore.
I’m here to talk about an equally ridiculous sport: soccer, er, futball, or whatever you call it. Either way, it blows. I know what you’re thinking: “Mike, you’re a sports lover. You are supposed to be a lover of all sports!” Well, friend, I love sports, but soccer is just not something I can handle. Here’s why.
First, I strongly dislike (I made a New Years resolution not to hate things) that nobody scores. If FIFA wanted Americans to get into soccer, they would shorten the field in half, and install mines secretly in the field. This game needs to score more goals. There is nothing that is less interesting to me than a zero-zero tie for 90 minutes of regulation, and 30 minutes of extra time like there was in the finals of the 2010 World Cup. However, if there was a short field and explosions, I would be so into it.
Second, I strongly dislike American fans. Seriously, what kind of fans are we that we only care about soccer once every four years? The answer is that we are terrible fans. And if you’re wondering, yes, I am guilty of it. Every four years, I try to get into soccer. I read up on the players, get really excited, and then actually sit and watch the games. Once I actually sit and watch the games, I think about things I could be doing that are way more interesting and fun (i.e. getting punched in the back of the head). Oh, and I hate seeing Americans root for other countries even more. If you watch the Sopranos, eat Italian food, have an Italian grandmother and go to Seaside every weekend to hang out with Mike “The Situation,” you have no right to root for Italy. Root for your country: America, the beautiful. Let me add, I have major respect for other countries’ fans. They follow their team all year and every year. Americans, however, only follow the relevant stories. I bet if Brett Favre was a midfielder for the US team, people would care all the time.
Third, I strongly dislike the players. I can’t think of any other sport that has players crying over every play (however, the NBA is getting close). Seriously, if the referee went to take a crap, the players would complain that the referee didn’t wipe long enough. Also, if I see one more guy miss a wide open net and then put his jersey over his head, while doing the Jon Scheyer/Adam Morrison cry face, I might explode.
Fourth, I strongly dislike the vuvuzelas. Who in South Africa thought this was a good idea? I’m pretty sure vuvuzelas were the reason for the Apartheid, so how can they risk another civil war by bringing these god-forsaken pieces of plastic back?
To conclude, I’m glad this World Cup is over. I strongly dislike this sport. However, they are a couple hidden mines, Charles Barkley color commentaries and Brett Favres away from being somewhat interesting. Maybe in 2014.