Things That Annoy Me: Stupid Facebook Status Updates

December 7, 2010

In the history of Facebook, there have been many and great additions and inventions (trust me, I have the Social Network memorized). One of the best and worst additions is the Facebook status update.

From what I remember, the Facebook status update was born around 2006, and it only used to give you options of what your status could be (i.e. “At a party,” “At school,” or my favorite “At the health center because of a herpes flare up”). These were simple times. But, alas, the great minds at Facebook couldn’t settle for something this simple. They had to go bigger and better. They then added “(Your name here) is…” And then, because they figured the “is” is too much for us simple folk, they just put “(Your name here)…”

I thought this was a great invention for a long time (right up there with free internet porn. Okay, I take that back). Then, knucklehead college kids began to abuse this awesome Facebook capability–they began to write emo quotes, and I have a ton of problems with this (but I must be careful because I don’t want my head to explode to close to finals). First, college kids should not be writing emo quotes. This is not cool. College kids are too old to be writing these stupid quotes. Even worse, Facebook is now for post-college kids, and they DEFINITELY should not be doing it (okay, I’ll give the high school kids a pass on this situation. I could remember how much of a drama king I was in high school. It makes me sick to my stomach. If I had Facebook back in 2004-05, I probably would have written so many emo relationship quotes I would currently have to find a time traveling Delorean, so I could go back to 2005 and punch myself in the nuts. Long story short, high school kids shouldn’t have Facebook). Second, think about how these quotes come off your 700 Facebook friends: other people look at these quotes, think you’re a moron for writing it, and don’t understand what it means but know that you are probably heartbroken over a relationship. I have an idea: if you are in a relationship, don’t let it play out on Facebook. More importantly, don’t write a Dashboard Confessional, or any emo punk rock band quote to show how you feel in a relationship (by the way, if you do write a Dashboard quote, 2006 called and wants their quote back. 2006 also seriously hates you. And so does the rest of the Facebook world).

There are many situations involving emo quotes, but here are some of the most common situations that I see on Facebook daily, which makes me want to find the person’s address who wrote the quote and send him or her (let’s be honest, it’s mostly girls) a piece of my poo in a UPS box:

– Break up: We get it, you’re heartbroken. I’m sure the break-up wasn’t your fault either. Oh yeah, and the skies will be blue again and the grass will be greener in the long run. Seriously, stop. In fact, why don’t you save us the drama and just remove your relationship status with that person instead. It all goes on the Newsfeed–we see it anyway. This reminds me of something else: ladies, when you say you are in a relationship with your best girlfriend, this just shows that you are lonely. Stop it.

– Waiting for love: You’re alone. We can already tell because you are in a relationship with your best friend. We also get that you are hopeful love will find you. But honestly, no one will be interested in loving you as long as you keep posting these questionably emotional quotes.

– My life sucks: Does it? You could afford a computer to update your status. So how badly does it suck? You know what sucks? Starvation, poverty, injury, death, the New Jersey Nets. Not the fact that you are out of a relationship. How about a quote about how you are so lucky to have a roof over your head? Or that you are a Lakers fan?

To conclude, I offer you what your quote probably looks like now and what it should look like after you realize how embarrassing you are to yourself:

Old Quote:
“Of course we’ll meet new people and fall in love again. Of course we’re going to hate each other and seek out to hurt each other but we’ll always have a history that won’t let us forget about each other no matter how much we want to.”

Hold on, that quote makes me want to puke. I’ll be right back.

Okay, I’m back. New quote:
“That Pullsburg dough, women poke my guts
Still I walk around the streets like I’m broke as fuck
So if you see me in your town and I appear to be moody
It’s cause I’m thinkin’ ‘bout plans that’s bigger than Serena booty.”
– Ludacris (NOTE: as the self appointed czar of Facebook update statuses, I deem any Ludacris quote acceptable)