DC So Far…

June 22, 2011

So as you all might or might not know, I have taken my talents to DC. Unlike the only other asshole who uses this line, I am actually having a winning time (side note: I don’t think I’ve irrationality disliked someone this much in years. There is no reason why I should be hating someone who actually wanted to go somewhere just so he could be around his friends. Wait, when I put it that way, I should really be hating myself).

First, let me say: New York City blows this city out of the water. Now that I have alienated four out of the nine people who actually read this blog, let me explain, before you four leave. I love hanging out with the people in DC. Three of my closest friends live in DC and it has also been great to reconnect with girls from college (get your head out of the gutter). Quite frankly, as I’ve said before, you could put me and my closest friends in one of those padded rooms in a mental institute and we would still have fun (wait, that’s a bad example. There is nothing not awesome about having the ability to run at full speed into a wall and not get injured).  Additionally, I think DC is a beautiful city. It’s green, has warm weather, and is clean. But DC has a few fatal flaws that have destined this city to averageness forever (making up words is fun). Let me explain.

One of DC’s biggest flaws is traffic circles. What is the deal with these things? For the first week I lived in DC, I had a car. After the first week, I had to drive back to NYC to move out of my NYC apartment. Let me break down my driving time for you all:

  • Out of DC – 4 miles – 1 hour
  • I-295 – 30 miles – 25 minutes
  • I-95 – 120 miles – 1 hour and 45 minutes
  • Turnpike – 90 miles – 1 hour 15 minutes
  • Parkway – 30 miles –  27 minutes
  • Into my hometown – 5 miles – 5 minutes

Does anyone see one portion of this trip that is grossly disproportionate to the rest? Of course you do: it’s DC. Granted all city traffic sucks, but on a good day I can get from New Jersey to my apartment in NYC in 25 minutes. Here, it took me an hour to drive four miles in DC. Why, you ask? Traffic circles. They don’t make any sense. They are completely unnavigable. People are merging from different lanes and it is super confusing. Also my GPS, which granted, may be the worst GPS ever created, couldn’t figure out the traffic circles. Not only that, but even if you don’t have a car, you put your life at risk just by crossing the street by one of these.  There are so many traffic signals going on, it is nearly impossible to figure out when to walk.  I have a slight fix for this that would make life quite easy:

As you can see, I eliminated Dupont Circle and created Dupont Square. Not only that, I have eliminated all those screwy diagonal cross streets and created straight streets, so no businesses will lose their place on the street. Suck on it Pierre L’Enfant. I just designed a better DC. No one will be confused about it and resident DCers will not complain about tourists not knowing how to drive. Your welcome in advance, America.

Another awful thing about traffic in DC is the fact that most streets are two lanes, but on the right most lane, you can typically park there on given days. So, one faces quite the dilemma while driving in DC: First, you could avoid parked cars by driving in the left lane, but this generally results in getting stuck behind people making left-handed turns. Or, you could take your chances in the right lane where a car may decide to park and you having to attempt to merge into the left lane with some of the worst drivers in the country driving (sorry DC-Maryland area drivers). If I had to compare this to fighting a MMA fighter to the death, I would fear for my life more while driving in DC (side note: No matter what I do, I cannot get into MMA. I would rather watch a movie about Mark Wahlberg training to become a boxer or Hugh Jackman training a robot to become a boxer).

Another issue I have with DC is the inconvenience of public transportation. In NYC, there is a subway station roughly every 3 to 5 blocks (I just made up that statistic, but it seems about right). In DC, I live in Georgetown, where there is no Metro station. In fact, the closest Metro station, is 0.5 miles away from my apartment, roughly a 10 minute walk because there is no direct route. In comparison, my apartment in NYC is less than 0.3 miles away from a subway stop and a 3 to 5 minute walk. Additionally, I have access to numerous lines and can essentially get off within 3 blocks of any of my closest friends, whereas in DC, even if I was to take the Metro to a friend, I would either have to switch lines or walk more once I get off the Metro. Throw in the fact that the weather down here resembles that of a swamp in Louisiana and you have a sweaty time.

This brings up the weather. Granted, all cities are hot. I think I wrote in my lone Cardozo Jurist editorial that walking from the PATH train to my apartment, just 4 city blocks, meant that I had to shower once I got into the apartment. DC is no better. It’s brutal. Throw in the fact that you have to walk everywhere because the public transportation system is incredibly inconvenient, and it is brutal. I’ve actually thought about bringing a change of clothing everywhere I go, but this brings up some dilemmas. First, where can I store my sweaty clothes in a bar? Second, why would I want to do double the laundry? Third, I, for some reason, only brought one pair of khaki shorts down to DC, so would bars let me in with basketball shorts? All brain busting dilemmas.

But alas, my friends, I like my job, like my friends and like Adams Morgan (but don’t get me started on early closing times at bars. I’ve heard before that nothing good happens after 2 a.m., but this is incorrect. Everything awesome [i.e. seeing girls crying at bars, bar fights, classless actions, eating large slices of pizza] occur after 2 a.m.). It’s not awful. Granted, I miss NYC like Christina Aguilera misses not being fat, but it’s still a good time.