Mike’s Preview of ABC’s “The Deep End”

January 15, 2010

In less than a week, ABC will be premiering a new drama called “The Deep End.” This show follows the lives of a couple new associates in a prestigious law firm in Los Angeles (thank you Wikipedia for this information). I’m sure it will be like Grey’s Anatomy, but instead of McDreamy, McSteamy (it is very pathetic that I know these names), and McHandicapped (he’s a new character), they will have funny law names like McTort (seriously, the creators of these shows are fixated on making everyone Irish). There, of course, will be the exaggerated sexual tension and love triangles, squares, pentagons, etc., etc. But if law school and talking to lawyers is telling of what the legal world is really like, this show will be a fantasized version of what real legal life is like. So, I offer you what the real “Deep End” would be like if they wanted to make a factually accurate show.

The first part of this show will be the rivalries. In law school, there is a small percentage of people (analogous to the small percentage of people of Islamic belief who are extremists) who are overly competitive. They think they are awesome, but in actuality everyone thinks they are giant douches. They raise their hand, and answer questions like this: “Well (student looks up into the sky as if getting his answer from god while taking off his glasses in a scholarly manner), if I remember correctly (clearly this student remembers correctly, or else the student would not have answered)…” The student probably does this three times per class and compliments these incredibly elitist and condescending comments with equally elitist and condescending questions.

Furthermore, there is the normal everyday student who, although you might be friendly with, or even consider a friend, clearly has ulterior motives. They say (I don’t know who “They” is. Even Wikipedia didn’t have the answer) law school brings out the worst in people. Some people are incapable of making friends. Some people are incapable of maintaining friendships. So, there really is no drama when it comes to the douchetard from the paragraph before. Nobody wants to hang out with that person (and when you do, you mock this person (or these people), but most likely this person does not pick up on social cues so it is kind of funny). The real drama is the constant questioning of if the people you hang out with are actually your friends or just friendly because they want your sweet outlines.

However, “The Deep End” should not focus on the drama of maintaining friendships or that nonsense because of the fact that most of the day is spent working. I’m sure in a big law firm, there is no time for hook ups in the bathroom, drinking during the week and that kind of nonsense. I’m sure, however, that there will be in-office hook ups in this show. I get it, though. Why would anyone want to watch a show about people working and living real lives? Seriously, the Real World goes against the actual name of its show and just shows the exciting drunken moments (yes, I’ve been watching the Real World over break). I couldn’t imagine why the reality show about law school couldn’t get off the ground. Actually, I could. Unless you’re Tucker Max, law school is boring.

I’m sure the focus of the show will be the in-office romances, just like Grey’s Anatomy does (what? I may or may not have seen a couple of those awful episodes. Seriously, how can a show survive when the main character is clinically depressed all the time. You’re a doctor. You should be happy. Get over yourself, Dr. Grey). But, unlike doctors, there is no room with beds at a law firm. I’m sure there will be partners sleeping with associates or secretaries (damn I should write for this show). This might even be accurate in real life, but when the lawyer’s wife finds out about it, the associate or secretary won’t break out into a long speech about what love is (I’m pretty sure Haddaway and Fat Joe answered this question already anyway). Accordingly, from my experience with law school, there is some sexual tension, but everyone is too involved in school work to even care about that.

So there it is. The real “Deep End.” Now I know what you are thinking: “Will Mike watch this show?” Okay, so you weren’t thinking that, but this is my blog so I make the rules. To answer your question, I am secretly hoping it becomes a sensation within law school and people get together and watch it. I swear. I just can’t wait for those uncomfortable viewing parties where you question if your soda is poisoned.


Mike’s Guide To End of College Drama

May 4, 2009

For whatever reason, no matter at what level, drama emerges as people near graduation.  It could be high school, college, whatever—it just happens.  I don’t actually know why this happens; maybe because people live in close contact (in college, practically on top of each other) and find little things that annoy you about another person.  It could just be built up frustration with a person after four years.  Or it could be something else.  Whatever the reason, this drama happens.  It’s inevitable.  This is why I have created some guidelines to handling the inevitable drama.  In addition, I have added some personal stories to prove my points.

Don’t overreact.  When people start yelling at you, they want a reaction. In fact, they don’t even care if you are sorry—they just want to see you get as mad or upset about the situation as they are.  Take just last week, when I didn’t react to being called out for canceling plans:

Girl 1:  You are such a dick.  I cancelled my plans for you.
Mike:  (calmly) I’m really sorry.  It was a dick move.  I truly am sorry.
Girl 1:  (frustrated) You’re not even angry about it.  Wow, you don’t care.  You truly are a huge asshole.
Mike:  No, really.  I am really sorry.  I can’t express how sorry I am to you.
Girl 1:  Don’t do your whole lawyer “calm argument” thing.  You are truly a dick.
Mike:  No, seriously.  I am sorry.

The girl continued to get incredibly angry because I wasn’t reacting the way she wanted me to react.  She clearly wanted to have this intense argument with me to make her feel better about the situation.  Instead, I stepped back and thought, “Is this really worth a stupid argument that could ruin a friendship?”  The answer was clearly no and I am glad I avoided that.  And I was truly sorry.

If you do overreact, things could go incredibly wrong.  For instance a couple weeks ago, after a long night out with a lot of drinking, another girl called me out for being an asshole (I know this sounds like a common theme but not all people think I’m an asshole… as far as I know).  Let’s take a peek into this discussion in the middle of the argument:

Girl 2:  No seriously, you are an asshole.
Mike:  (angry) I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU THINK.  I’M NOT GONNA TALK TO YOU IN FOUR FUCKIN’ WEEKS!  STOP WITH YOUR CONDESCENDING BULLSHIT!

As we can see, there is a stark difference between what was said when Mike was sober and smart compared to when Mike was drunk.  The thought process wasn’t there.  Of course, this girl got exactly what she wanted: a reaction.  Clearly this girl calling me an asshole when I was drunk annoyed me.  Which brings me to my next point:

Don’t get into arguments when drunk.  Nothing good can come out of this.  Period.  For some odd reason, girls (most of the time) wait until they are drunk to call out both sexes on things they are upset about.  It could be that one person is an asshole, or that you never called her back or whatever—bottom line is, girls do this.  A lot.  I believe they call this liquid confidence.  And I have to say from personal experience, everything that is said goes in one ear and out the other.  When I woke up the next morning after the drunken argument above, I laughed about it.  I thought to myself, “Seriously, did this just happen? Did I just waste my time arguing when I could have been doing something mischievous and ridiculous instead?”  I then brushed it off and continued to think how ridiculous it was that I was called out when drunk.  Girls, we don’t listen to when you do this drunk.  It doesn’t make any sense.

Admit defeat.  There is nothing people hate more when arguing then if you say they are right.  Especially in these quasi-drama situations.  When your not-so-close friend calls you out for something ridiculous over the next couple of weeks, they just want to get a reaction out of you.  They don’t want you to admit how wrong you were.  They just want a reaction.  Take this past weekend.

Girl 3:  We are not going to [hang out and play solitaire] tonight.
Mike:  Why not?
Girl 3:  Because you only call me when [you really want to play solitaire].
Mike:  (ponders this idea for a second) Touché.  I’ll see you around.
Girl 3:  That’s it?
Mike:  Yeah, you made a great point.

People hate when you say they are right.  It eats them up inside, which, if you think about it, is the exact opposite point of an argument.  But this is how life works.

If a girl says she is mad at you for no reason, she wants you. If a guy says he is mad at you for no reason, he is hiding the fact he is actually a girl, and he wants you.  Girls do this all the time.  They will say they are mad at you and then not tell you why.  This is because she wants you.  And trust me, this is going to happen a lot over the next two weeks.  In fact, there are going to be so many “did that person just hook up with that person?” over the next couple of weeks it will be shocking.  Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

That is all the advice I have to give you (that I could currently think of).  There is going to be tons of fake drama over the next two weeks for college graduates (and in June for high school graduates).  My overarching piece of advice to you is that your true, close friends won’t do this.  It will be people that are on the periphery of your group of friends.  Thus, I say just ignore it.  Walk away or just admit that the person you are “arguing” with is right.  Partially give them what they want to hear.  Don’t overreact because you will just look like a jackass.  Take these in stride and laugh it off.  Girls, be warned, you will have more drama then us men.  All girls secretly hate each other and if there were statistics available, they would show that more fallouts around graduation happen among groups of girls.  Girls, just be prepared.  Be smart.  Guys and girls, just truly realize how ridiculous most of these arguments are.  Your true friends will be your true friends before, during and after graduation. Your fake friends with whom you get in arguments with are the ones you will never speak to again after graduation.  They will just be the ones you have these conversations about:

Mike:  Remember [Girl 2]?
Real friend:  Yeah.
Mike:  Whatever happened to her?
Real friend:  I don’t know.
Mike:  Yeah, who cares?  That girl was ridiculous anyway.