My Post Halloween Crappiness

November 4, 2010

I love Halloween. I will quote myself from two years ago, when I said that Halloween is great because women dress like a “slutty nurse, the slutty umpire, the slutty devil, the slutty football player, and the slutty mentally handicapped person.” (Side note: This year, instead of girls dressing like a slutty (insert costume here), girls opted to dress as Lady Gaga. Lady Gaga is in no way slutty or attractive. In fact, she represents everything I hate about society today. She is fake. She was probably some rich New York Gossip Girl who got bored one day with spending all her parents money and created some persona. Don’t get me wrong, she writes catchy music, but I’m pretty sure she’d be as effective and more attractive if she wore a Gap shirt and blue jeans. Okay, I’m done. Side note 2: I just checked Wikipedia, and I was right, she was some rich New York Gossip Girl. Damn, I’m good).

Well, over the past two Halloweens, Halloween has come to mean more to me then just standing in line for an hour to get into a crowded bar where you can’t move. First, it means that I have to hear the Halloween parade one avenue away from me until one in the morning (imagine 100,000 Lady Gaga costumes). Second, it means that my fun is pretty much over.

You see, law school kind of sucks after Halloween. For me, the first two months consists of going out three nights a week, watching a lot of television (I already caught up with Modern Family and considered rewatching LOST, but then I realized the ending would still suck), procrastinating, and of course, thinking of blogs to write. It also means staying updated with my reading for law school, but if I don’t understand something, I say, “Oh well, I’ll figure it out in a month.” (i.e. I thought Torts was a French pastry until November 14, 2009. That was a very disappointing day).

But after Halloween, things change. In law school, we have to make outlines for our finals. This is a time consuming process that involves a lot of frustration, purchasing of horn books, and figuring out how long of a break I can take if I do 50 straight minutes of work (answer: 15 minutes… which turns into 30 minutes). The Monday after Halloween is when I start these.

So what changes for Mike now that he’s in outline season? For one, it means watching less television. It also means not going out as often (maybe once or twice a week), and when I do go out, I set a curfew for myself (try talking to a girl while looking at your cell phone clock every 15 minutes thinking, “If I leave here at 2 and plan to wake up at 9, that’s still 7ish hours of sleep.” It’s impossible. You end up just talking about time and law school… and then politely excusing yourself because you can’t hold a conversation any longer). It’s awful.

I guess what I’m trying to say is I will have less fun than you will this month. Unless, dear reader, you are a law student or medical student. Then your life will be as terrible (or as Sir Charles says, “Turble”) as mine will be.

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Mike’s Halloween History

October 28, 2009

Dammit, I have nothing new to say about Halloween (click here for 2008 and 2009 Mike’s thoughts on this god-sent amazing holiday… I think that line just gave away 2008 and 2009 Mike’s thoughts on it. Oh, well.) so I will give you a brief history of my past Halloween costumes:

1994 (the first grade): For some odd reason, I have been opposed to buying generic Halloween costumes my entire life . For instance, in the first grade, when everyone bought the same black ninja costumes, my mother made me an orange Crayola crayon costume (complete with pointy hat for the top of the crayon). Call it what you will. I call it original. And awesome. This started a long history of home-made costumes.

1997 (the fourth grade): I was my Martin Brodeur, goaltender of the New Jersey Devils, and my favorite athlete at the time (my costume did not include the part about him cheating on his wife with her sister). I wore my own goalie equipment (that excitingly will come out of retirement this Thanksgiving for the first time in 4.5 years), complete with my goalie mask (to hide my disapproval of the thirty other black ninjas in the class).

2001 (freshman year of high school): After realizing that middle school Mike was totally uncool for not trick or treating or dressing up (I think it had something to do with girls my age hadn’t found out about slutty costumes yet, or matured enough to fill slutty costumes properly), I sewed my own costume with a friend. We were Towelie from South Park. Granted, no one really appreciated it (“What are you a smurf?” “A towel that does what?” “Get off my lawn”) but I loved the costume. I still have it hanging in the basement of my house, where for some reason, it is still not appreciated (“Why does this towel have a face on it?”).

2004 (senior year of high school): This was a crowning moment for my friends and I, as we were Oompa Loompas, decked out in orange paint, green wigs, white overalls, and a certain creepiness that repelled all women. It was pretty classic nonetheless. We carried around a boombox playing the original Oompa Loompa songs on repeat (not to be confused with the songs in the Johnny Depp version that came out one year later). This kind of signaled a full circle type thing for my high school friends and I: our fifth grade play was Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory so this was an ode to that. Plus, who would turn down sweating off orange face paint onto people you don’t like?

2007 (junior year of college): This year was when I truly began to realize how awesome Halloween could be. For the first two years of college, I mainly stayed out of the spotlight with my Halloween costumes (mainly because I just wanted to be an anonymous spectator) but this year, I dressed up as one of my closest friends, mainly because he had some distinct character traits and lines that people would recognize and appreciate, but most importantly, I wanted to prove that I could be a better him than he was himself (that’s a tongue twister). I will not write what my actual goal was for the evening (inquire within) but I’m sure you could figure it out. However, for days after Halloween, I found myself finding Gold Bond in places no one should have it.

2008 (senior year of college): This year, I dressed up as Cartman (what can I say I love South Park). Here, I also made my own costume, as I saw a Cartman costume in the costume store but it was $80. Screw that. I think I want to bring up this Halloween mainly because of the absurdity of that Halloween night. At the local college bar we frequented a lot (including two weekends ago, which just ended with me waking up wondering why me and every one of my friends signed our bodies with permanent markers), AXE (yes, the body spray) hosted a Halloween event for the release of their newest spray, “Chocolate.” From context clues, I’m sure you guessed there would be a lot of chocolate products, and this just did not go well with the idea of having a couple hundred drunk college kids who were hungry. I woke up the next morning with my costume still on (including the pillow I put in my stomach to make myself Cartman sized… this probably was the greatest idea to sleep with though) and my shirt covered with chocolate (damn you fondu) that got all over my bed. I searched my pockets and found about 15 full-sized candy bars, pretty melted and gross. I have a lot of memories (and some fleeting ones) of this evening where I learned a valuable lesson: don’t be drunk and play around hot fondu.

As for 2009, I still have no idea what I’m going to be. For the past couple years I would watch one of my friends find and pay for a costume (i.e. the tooth fairy in 2007… still one of the bigger wastes of $50+) and suddenly I come up with a better idea. Unfortunately, he is in Washington, D.C. so I think I will take the next couple classes of Contracts (I can’t pay attention in that class anyway) to come up a with a (not-so) great plan. Results to follow soon.


Why I Love Halloween (besides the obvious)

November 3, 2008

Halloween is completely awesome.  Yes, completely awesome.  There is not one bad thing about it, and here’s why: consistency.  Every holiday tends to be bad at some point in our lives.  For instance, for my non-Jewish readers, Christmas.  When you were little, Christmas was freakin awesome.  You would wake up to a huge stack of presents and be there with your entire family to celebrate the joyous occasion (unless you were left home alone or stuck in New York like Kevin was in Home Alone).  However, when you get older, Christmas just isn’t as cool.  Yes, you are finally allowed to watch the South Park Christmas episodes, but it’s just not the same.  You find out Santa isn’t real (yes, it isn’t Santa who gives you your presents).  Those children’s Christmas movies just aren’t that cool anymore (seriously, go watch Vince Vaughn’s holiday stinker from last year).  And, you have to spend Christmas with your family, which also isn’t that fun anymore (especially when the egg nog starts flowing and you end up with a drunk uncle, aunt, cousin or grandparent).

Well, Halloween is not like this whatsoever.  It has stayed consistently awesome forever.  Now for the evidence:

You start out celebrating Halloween as a youngster, dressing up and getting free candy.  There is nothing not great about getting free candy (and the occassional pennies from the old people who believe candy rots your teeth).  You have a great time.  Yes, everyone in your class has the same three costumes (in my youth it was either a ninja, a Power Ranger, or both), but still the free candy and cupcakes soften the blow of having a repeat costume.  In addition, elementary school is when Halloween peaks in childhood (except for those terrible schools who ban Halloween because they believe it is a religious holiday… and to them I say I hate you).  You pretty much do no work all day.  You come dressed in your Halloween costume to school and you may have a parade so you could see everyone’s costumes.  Afterward, you come back to your classroom where the class mothers (and fathers) have set up a delicious shmorgosbord of candy, cupcakes and cider.

Fast forward fifteen years as a college student.  Halloween is still completely awesome, but for slightly different reasons.  Sure you still get the occassional free piece of candy, but more importantly is the social scene.  Everybody floods to the bars and parties in their most offensive, sluttiest and funniest costumes.  Sure, it is a spectator sport for us males, but it is also a competition to see who can get the most laughs from the slutty nurse, the slutty umpire, the slutty devil, the slutty football player, and the slutty mentally handicapped person.   It is great.  I love it.

So, if anyone thinks Halloween is garbage, think again.  For me, it’s all about consistency.  It’s the same thing in sports:  the team that is most consistent usually wins (there I go again comparing everything in life to sports).  It’s the same thing with holidays.  Eventually holidays end up being dry and boring.  But not Halloween.  So Halloween, in honor of this, I salute you and your slutty Halloween costume.